Friday, December 31, 2010

Uniquely Singapore


It's the last day of 2010, everybody is hilarious about the sudden public holiday which was only announced 2 days ago, because Malaysia won the stup*d football match, here you go, 1 more public holiday! Many people are quite satisfied about the long weekend, busy shopping or partying, seems like everybody is drowned in the happy atmosphere and nobody really cares about the year that will end in less than 24 hours time.

2010 is just another ordinary year, for most of us. However, I have experienced something different a few days ago. I had my "virgin backpacking trip" to Singapore! The lion city is the second foreign country I've been to. (Hongkong is not considered a country, so there was only Malaysia on my list) My staying in a hostel was absolutely by accident. Planned to stay with a friend of mine, but something unexpected happened just one night before I left KL thus I ended up staying in a hostel in Chinatown.

I've never thought of how a hostel would look like, the one I chose was very cozy, fully furnished with IKEA furniture, the staff were great, friendly and helpful. My first conversation with a Singaporean was in English as I'm not sure whether she can speak Mandarin, however later I found out that most Singaporeans do speak Mandarin. Every time I asked for direction in English, people would answer me in Mandarin. There accent is different from Malaysian, they are more inclined to Taiwan accent. The owner of my hostel speaks authentic Taiwan style Mandarin which made me adjust my Malaysianised tone to adapt him.

People were surprised to know that I'm from China as I'm just too "Malaysian". Both my English and Mandarin are totally gone, I use Cantonese and Hokkien words from time to time. Therefore I got my nickname there: Fake Orang M'sia. It was fun to stay with many other guys and girls from all over the world. Majority of them were travelling alone, typical backpacker, travel is an indivisible part of their life, like the blood in their veins. I've met plenty of interesting people and now we became friends. It's really a blessing in disguise that I was not able to stay at my friend's place!

I had tons of unforgettable memories during my stay there. I got lost on Christmas night when I was looking for the Merlion. Alone, wandering in the pouring rain in the empty streets. Frustrated, yes I admit there was a little , but meantime I enjoyed the freedom and kept on snapping everything I've passed by. As a result, I discovered some places many people have never been to: National Library, Management University, Chijmes, St Andrew's Cathedral etc. I was walking around the city hall area round and round, finally I reached Fullerton Hotel. Really had a nice time walking along the Singapore river, knowing nobody around, having no direction, not being disturbed by cell phones, just randomly looked up in the sky and take a look at all the office buildings at Raffles Place, imagining I may work there soon. I was devoured by thoughts, so was rain. I really learnt that umbrellas don't work at all in South East Asian countries. When the thunder and wind starts, everything is useless. So it's better to enjoy the rain rather than being afraid of getting wet. ( I got a water proof camera, so no worries for me :p)

Singapore is a highly developed and organised country. Tap water is drinkable and water is really precious there. 2 things you are absolutely certain, it's clean and safe. So I'm not worried at all hanging in the street alone at night. There are plenty of rules, you can't litter, you can't drink or eat at MRT station (and that's why you can't find any rubbish bin in every station, I have to put the used tissue in my pocket and I got 3 or 4 "dumplings" in my jeans after a whole day) Chewing gum is prohibited in the country, which really bothers some western backpackers, they feel like there is no freedom at all, the rules are just too strict.

However, there are pros and cons, if you view it from another angel, the strict rules give rise to high efficiency as well. All the pavements are fenced and only the entrance of pedestrian crosswalk are open, which literally curb those people who love to cross the road randomly at anywhere. It reduces accidents, improves the image of the city as a whole. Another interesting thing is, you can find a 60-year-old waiter in fast food restaurant! That's because their retirement age is 65, the senior citizens have the equal right to work as youngsters, there is no discrimination, either ethnically or sexually. I kind of like the "fair play" policy after being treated so unfairly for so many years.(When I entered Singapore custom, the officer greeted me with a big smile and he answered my question regarding to my multi-entry visa politely. However, when I came back to JB, the Malay guy at the custom scrutinized me from head to toe after seeing my China passport. It took a long time for him to decide whether to ask me questions or just chop and let me go. Finally he didn't say anything and just let me pass. I said "happy new year" to him and he didn't even raise his eyebrow!)

Singapore is like any big city in China, full of high-risings, the real estate price is incredibly high and it's almost crowded everywhere. The big difference is it's much cleaner and comfortable with the tropical weather I love. It's a nice place to work and to live. Food, transportation and garments are at very affordable prices. ( I can never forget I took bus for 27 stops and the fare was only $1) I bought 2 "I love SG" souvenir T-shirts at Giordano, hopefully I won't be beaten up if I wear it in KL :p

A lesson learnt, the globe is just a village, there are many different families inside the village, each of them has their own traits. It's worth visiting other families, gain more exposure and learn the different culture. Don't ground yourself in your comfort zone, you may experience pleasant exploration!








Sunday, December 19, 2010

往事不堪回首月明中

转眼又到了年底,我又该开始我的年终总结了.考试结束已经有好几天,我却比考试之前的总复习还要忙得夸张,似乎只有每年的6月和12月才有时间去见见朋友,出去散散心.有考试压在头顶,就算是出去玩,心也是散得不彻底.

那天看到朋友facebook的status:2010 is ending soon, what have you done?我觉得看到这个问题的时候心好痛. 这一年里面我做了什么?不知道,读书吧,pass了3科,12月的这两科要等明年2月才出成绩,希望也是个P吧.然后呢?读了几本小说,认识了几个新朋友,失去了几个老朋友,写了几首歌,剩下的便是对生活中点滴的领悟了.我讨厌每次盘点的时候的那种捶胸顿足,为什么我什么都没做就又过了一年?于是便在新年伊始的时候憋一口气,害怕"yesterday once more",但是无一例外的,往事肯定会重演.我的热情不会超过三分钟,杯具.

都已经几岁了,这样下去也不是办法,HL要走了,没人再像妈妈一样追在我屁股后面叫我乖乖读书了,不过既然是最后的学生时代,我觉得还是要让它辉煌一下,不要留下遗憾.这样单纯可爱的日子以后永远不会再有,想到就觉得有点伤感.但是我应该知足了,懒散迷茫了那么久,现在也该醒了吧.未来在招手,不管我愿不愿意,它总是会来,那么我还不如开开心心的迎接它.

朋友说我脑袋里面的弯弯太多,凡事都想太多,我不知道是好事还是坏事.神经大条的人没那么敏感,也没那么容易受伤害,可以从思考的层面上说,他们可能会错过很多值得去冥想的东西.但是想太多的又没地方发泄的人容易疯掉,比如我们的安娜.考试之前总会做很奇怪的梦,梦到那些不该梦见的人和事,尘封在岁月里已久的不该翻阅的记忆,通通在我面临考试压力的时候跑出来.以后我要是有机会当电影导演,那么我自己的梦将是绝佳的剧本.

假期两个礼拜说长不长说短不短,我的"档期"排得很满,很多有意义的事情在等着我,我熬了半年,也就最期待这两个礼拜,好好的放松,以一个全新的自我迎接新的一年,迎接最后的挑战!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

不可能的明天

睁开我双眼 往事又重演

拨动我心弦 痛彻了心扉

上锁的房间 独自想念


在绝望边缘 梦最终幻灭

所有都沉淀 瞬间变成灰

心中的冬天 悲伤无限


那么远 你走得头也不回删掉昨天

这么多年 剩下我独自幻想不可能的明天


定格了时间 不敢再向前

在我的世界 你就是一切

这样的梦魇 没有终点


那么远 你走得头也不回删掉昨天

这么多年 剩下我独自幻想不可能的明天


你走了 留下我 和我的思念那么多

浑浑噩噩要怎么过


那么远 你头也不回删掉昨天

这么多年 剩下我独自幻想不可能的明天

Monday, November 1, 2010

When you are old

When you are old and gray and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire,take down this book,
And slowly read,and dream of the soft look,
Your eyes had once,and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true;
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;
And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur,a little sadly,how love fled,
And paced upon the mountains overhead,
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

---To Faye Wong, you are legend...

Monday, October 18, 2010

God bless the people in China



During my stint in Malaysia, I travel back home almost every year. Each trip would teach me some lessons in different perspectives. I was back in KL last week from a short visit to celebrate my grandpa's 90th birthday. I had a shock in my life during the 7 days back home, the CPI in China is so freaking high!!!

I have no idea how many rich people exist out there, but I couldn't help pondering how big is the percentage among the population. Let's not mention the hiking real property price which is obviously just a big bubble and I'm waiting for the day it bursts. Normal daily consuming products are so expensive that makes you really want to suicide with the level of income you earn. Here I'm gonna show you some examples:

Story1:
My friend in KL asked me to check out the price of honeysuckle(金银花) for her as it's sold at RM 80/kg in KL. She said it's originated from China therefore the price should be lower there. So I went to supermarket to ask about it. To my surprise, the assistant told me RMB 22 per 50g which literally means RMB 440/kg. I thought something was wrong with my ears so I scrutinized the price tag carefully, yep, it's written there clearly, no mistake. I took a photo of the price tag as evidence that the people in China are suffering in hell as the tiny little flower used to make tea would cost such a fortune.

Story2:
I was doing grocery shopping with mum in Carrefour, passing by the fruits counter, bearing the risk of getting another heart-attack, I took a glimpse at the price again. OMFG! Guess what, banana, pisang in Bahasa, it's the cheapest fruit here as everybody can afford to eat fried banana pisang goreng everyday. However, down there, it's selling at RMB27++ for a bunch! I bet that's the reason why people don't eat pisang goreng there.

Story3, Miscellaneous
McDonald Mcflurry ice-cream: RMB 10
Wasabi green pea: RMB 89 (this is really ridiculous)
Seafood buffet (with the fried kuey teow size of prawn): RMB 170++
Starfucks: RMB 40++
Fruit juice at small stalls: RMB 28++
Milk powder/tin: RMB 300++
Short-sleeve no brand T-shirt: RMB 400++
Hairtail fish: RMB 60++
Egg: RMB 16/kg (means RMB 1++ per piece)
...
the list goes on

Housing price, this one you'd better not see, it's hazardous, bad for your eyes. For many areas, the price for 1 square metre has exceeded RMB 10000. I wonder how many people can afford them yet the real property market is still so hot, it seems like everybody is buying. Is there any element of speculation? Who are the real buyers behind? I don't know and I don't want to know.

Malaysia is paradise, people here, please stop complaining and cherish what you have.
May God bless those in China, Amen!





Sunday, September 19, 2010

我是白痴

朋友们都说我糊涂

在暧昧关系中痛苦

他不是不知道我的无助

但是好像什么都不在乎


爱一个人为什么这么辛苦

把自我抛在脑后全都不顾

头破血流却毫不在乎

不去计较也义无反顾


我是爱情里的白痴

憧憬童话中的故事

默念忘不掉的名字

不想面对残酷的现实

我是爱情里的白痴

期待不可能的故事

寻找到不了的地址

不愿看清悲剧的现实


这样的感情很盲目

单方面傻傻地付出

我也不想继续执迷不悟

却是深陷泥潭没有退路


我只是渴望得到你的保护

并没有太多其他什么企图

没想到你把我当包袱

可悲的我还死不瞑目


我对自己说是时候醒来了

没未来的感情也该放弃了

抛开所有的不舍不再爱了

我相信未来一定是美好的


我是爱情里的白痴

憧憬童话中的故事

默念忘不掉的名字

不想面对残酷的现实

我是爱情里的白痴

期待不可能的故事

寻找到不了的地址

不愿看清悲剧的现实

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

写给她的一首歌

在人海中遇见你

是我今生最大的福气

从没有人能如此的贴心

当渐渐地了解你

知道你深藏心底的秘密

我感情汹涌泪就要决堤


看着你无辜的脸

写满了天真无邪

稚嫩的翅膀何时能飞上蓝天

或许梦想的终点

已经不会很遥远

但你却害怕世界无常的变迁


哦我亲爱的朋友

请你勇敢向前走

不要让未来被别人左右

哦我亲爱的朋友

继续走就别回头

世界还很大你还没看够


哦我亲爱的朋友

人一定要有追求

你要相信梦想在向你挥手

哦我亲爱的朋友

我会一直陪你走

直到有天你已不再需要我


开心时会想起你

想跟你分享生活的美丽

你总对快乐充满了怀疑

看你难过会心疼你

怕你在夜里一个人哭泣

想给你肩膀安慰你的心


看着你清澈的眼

充满了稚气万千

柔弱的肩膀需要肩负这一切

其实未来的冒险

不一定会很危险

但你却不敢面对未知的明天


哦我亲爱的朋友

请你勇敢向前走

不要让未来被别人左右

哦我亲爱的朋友

继续走就别回头

世界还很大你还没看够


哦我亲爱的朋友

人一定要有追求

你要相信梦想在向你挥手

哦我亲爱的朋友

我会一直陪你走

直到有天你已不再需要我

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

谎言

当我们的昨天, 都已变成了谎言


不知道从哪天起, 你开始对我敷衍

不经意的流露出, 你已经觉得厌倦

我以为你想要多一点时间

来整理你纠结的思绪万千

却不知这一切都已改变

当我们的昨天, 都已变成了谎言

我的眼泪冲破防线

它在嘲笑我伪装的笑脸

当所有的昨天, 都已变成了谎言

我的心也不再眷恋

我的梦很浅泪水很咸

我应该从一开始, 就不要太过迷恋

给自己多点空间, 好过在爱里深陷

我以为我们可以走到永远

可以一直沉醉在爱里面

这一切都不过只是谎言

当我们的昨天, 都已变成了谎言

我的眼泪冲破防线

它在嘲笑我伪装的笑脸

当所有的昨天, 都已变成了谎言

我的心也不再眷恋

我的梦很浅泪水很咸

曾经幻想的未来已看不见

我将要开始一个人的明天

Saturday, August 28, 2010

你要的自由

当你说你想要很快乐, 无拘束地生活

我假装不懂你在说什么, 因为我不想分手

当你说你想要收回承诺, 不再为爱软弱

我只有表情麻木地点头, 装作我不曾爱过

你要的自由, 刺痛我心口

怀里的温柔, 也无法挽留

你要的自由, 是绝对自由

无情的道别, 一去不回头

当你说你想要一个人过, 独自去看日落

我只是沉默没有说什么, 因为我无话可说

当你说你想要离开我, 背着包去漂泊

我只能成全你心中的梦, 但是我真的难过

你要的自由, 刺痛我心口

怀里的温柔, 也无法挽留

你要的自由, 是绝对自由

无情的道别, 一去不回头

多少眼泪多少挣扎

除了自己没人会懂

怎么割舍怎么放手

真的爱过才会心痛

你要的自由, 刺痛我心口

怀里的温柔, 也无法挽留

你要的自由, 是绝对自由

无情的道别, 一去不回头

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Another victory achieved

Yesterday was a big day for all ACCA students---another judgement day which makes everybody panic like ants on a hot pan!

I was suffering like hell before this, had my "1 year anniversary"food poisoning last week. Only a few days later when I thought I have recovered, by forgoting that usually diarrhea takes at least one week to heal. Assam fish became the victim that triggered my diarrhea again. Tossing on my bed on Saturday midnight it was really killing me. There was nobody at home, I thought if I died my body could only be found at least 24 hours later.

I have to admit that I hate to fall sick when I'm thousands miles away from home, alone. That's the most vulnerable moment which makes you want to give up your dream to be a "drifter", willpower dropping to the bottom. I tried to ignore it and consoled myself no matter where we are, everybody falls sick, that's norm coz we are human beings. Therefore I prayed, whole-heartedly, asked help from God.

I tried to analyse how many percentage of the reason for my diarrhea is due to the tension, I don't know and my friend told me I would be perfectly well after the result is released. I don't think my mental is that fragile, I am strong enough to face a failure I guess, though 100% not willing to. Only thinking of repeating the same stuff for another 6 months already makes me sick, don't dare to imagine how am I gonna face it.

Luckily, God loves me, as He always does, he gave me a 51 to wake me up, no more mucking around!!! Yeah, sure, I have to put in more effort to ensure a much safer pass ( don't dare to dream about scoring, that's for psycho, not a playful kid like me, yet I'm never a perfectionist myself thus it's impossible for me to do it perfectly). However here really comes the alert! I'm doing Professional level, as the name suggests, it's "professional", no joke, and I'm hoping for a straight pass for all 14 papers, gotta do something to achieve that.

It's just the end of another battle, but the war is not over, to be precise, the real war has just started, previously those were all rehearsals. Mount Everest, only a few hundred metres away from the top, at the 8000 metres upper air, there is a secondary mount, plenty of climbers who can successfully climb up to there, however, only a handful of them could carry on the journey and reach the 8848 metres top. Because it's getting tougher, severalfold, at the top...

God bless I can make it.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Dancing Queen

从你身边飘过

听到沸腾的脉搏

你要对自己的眼神负责

我没那么容易唾手可得

你心跳的速度

跟不上我的舞步

我知道你已经中毒

但还不肯做我的俘虏

看你假装无辜的表情

我猜你已经有点动心

不论你的taste是怎样

我是人人垂涎的dancing queen

全场就数我舞姿最in

我身上聚集所有眼睛

无法否认我魅力四射

我是独一无二的dancing queen

虽然你没动作

激情却迸发似火

我触动了你内心的恶魔

你开始幻想诱人的欢乐

我敢跟你打赌

你一定会被征服

劝你早点投降认输

我会考虑给你留后路

看你假装无辜的表情

我猜你已经有点动心

不论你的taste是怎样

我是人人垂涎的dancing queen

全场就数我舞姿最in

我身上聚集所有眼睛

无法否认我魅力四射

我是独一无二的dancing queen

天生就有让人神魂颠倒的本领

会说话的眼睛和身体非常致命

看你假装无辜的表情

我猜你已经有点动心

不论你的口味是怎样

我是人人垂涎的dancing queen

全场就数我舞姿最in

我身上聚集所有眼睛

无法否认我魅力四射

我是独一无二的dancing queen

Friday, August 20, 2010

认错

两个人在一起会有赢家输家

因为付出的多少总是有偏差

向来都是我在包容我在挣扎

何时你才愿聆听我的心里话

我知道每个人都会犯错

一次错误不会抹杀你之前的承诺

但错了之后要如何改过

你以为绝口不提, 伤口就能自动愈合

为什么你就是不肯认错

这样的僵局对我而言是折磨

不知你是否有为我想过

女人也有尊严也有人格

为什么你选择这样对我

我很无辜的就成为了受害者

你逃避是否证明你懦弱

心里的障碍何时才能被突破

我知道每个人都会犯错

一次错误不会抹杀你之前的承诺

但错了之后要如何改过

你以为绝口不提, 伤口就能自动愈合

为什么你就是不肯认错

这样的僵局对我而言是折磨

不知你是否有为我想过

女人也有尊严也有人格

为什么你选择这样对我

我很无辜的就成了受害者

你逃避是否证明你懦弱

心里的障碍何时才能被突破

别再强迫自己伪装什么都没发生

你的故作镇定只能倍增我的苦闷

为什么你就是不肯认错

这样的僵局对我而言是折磨

不知你是否有为我想过

女人也有尊严也有人格

为什么你选择这样对我

我很无辜的就成了受害者

你逃避是否证明你懦弱

心里的障碍何时才能被突破

禁果

逃离白天的沉闷, 迎来夜的放松

踏出家门的洒脱, 来到我的乐窝,

音乐轰隆灯光闪烁

人群中我们视线交错,

他的眼神充满诱惑,

谁说女生只能沉默

那完美轮廓是诱人的禁果

我渴望自由生活. 我厌倦精神枷锁

传统观念抛去脑后, 今晚就high个够.

一个点头一声问候

忍不住内心的狂野

I’m your baby tonight

不管世俗的眼光, 我只相信感觉

跟着内心的呼唤, 应该会更快乐

在他怀里翩翩起舞

体会从未有过的幸福

从今以后自己作主

喜欢什么讨厌什么

不需要其他人来指指点点

我渴望自由生活. 我厌倦精神枷锁

传统观念抛去脑后, 今晚就high个够.

一阵抚摸一个热吻

忍不住内心的狂野

I’m your baby tonight

没有激情的结合一点也不fun

只有禁果才最可口

我渴望自由生活. 我厌倦精神枷锁

传统观念抛去脑后, 今晚就high个够.

一阵抚摸一个热吻

忍不住内心的狂野

I’m your baby tonight

Thursday, August 12, 2010

沉淀

转眼又是好久没有更新博客, 日子在忙乱中匆匆的就过了. 大约两周前经历了一些不太愉快的事, 辞掉了工作, 才得以有时间和心情来整理思绪, 把过去大约一年里的纷繁是非通通抛去脑后, 又回到全职学生的状态, 百感交集.

过去两年多里, 一直都是埋头走路, 因为我不敢抬头看前方, 路是那么漫长, 我怕我看了之后就没有勇气再继续走下去. 时间真的转眼就过, 好像昨天我才刚刚开始读ACCA, 周围的人都觉得我是脑袋进水, 又一个三年, 说长不长说短不短, 但是需要极大的耐心和毅力去坚持自己的选择. 眨眼之间, 已经读到了professional level. 这也就意味着, 还有最后一年, 我的学生生涯就走到尽头了. 虽然我不是喜欢读书的人, 但是比起工作, 我肯定会选择读书, 单纯的无忧无虑的生活. 有自己的时间, 思考人生思考未来, 有时间做梦, 不管那些梦最后能否成真, 但至少当初的那份期望是纯洁的.

一个同龄的朋友跟我说她怀孕了, 再过不久就要当妈妈了. 我听了之后感慨万千, 人家就要为人父母了, 但我却还是个不愿意长大的孩子. 我都不知道自己是羡慕她还是怎样, 至少跟自己的爱人组织家庭是很幸福的事情. 但是如果叫我选, 我也不保证我会选择跟她同样的生活. 我自己都不知道我想要怎样的生活, 野孩子, 在外漂泊可能已经习惯了, 渐渐淡薄了"家"的概念, 同时也不敢奢望那种有一个温暖的家的幸福. 毕竟, 世事难料, 现实很残酷, 40%的离婚率已经成了我心头一片阴霾. 执子之手, 与子偕老, 应该是很难的吧, 不然也不会那么让人向往了.

为了麻木自己的不知所措, 我选择享受眼前的生活. 睡到自然醒, 听自己喜欢的音乐, 看自己喜欢的书, 做自己喜欢的事, 就连读厚到可以当枕头的ACCA课本都让我心情舒畅, 我可能是想紧握最后的欢乐时光不放吧. 毕业之后, 说得好听点, 可以为社会做贡献, 可以实现自己的价值, 可以赚钱. 但是我们也会失去很多, 毕竟一开始工作, 就会持续几十年, 直到我们老得做不动了, 逃也逃不掉. 那么何必现在急着跳入这个不能回头的泥淖呢?

在此, 要感谢妈妈的全力支持, 金钱上和精神上的, 我欠她太多太多, 但是我保证, 这将是她养我的最后一年, 我也潇洒够了, 以后要想继续潇洒, 就得靠自己的本事了. 我要加油!



Thursday, July 15, 2010

Chaos in life

Tons of mess have happened in the past few weeks.

On the first day of my holiday to KK, I got this terrible news that Nora was admitted into hospital coz they found a lump in her colon. She told me peacefully that she's gonna go for the operation and wouldn't be able to call me or chat with me for a while. Initially I didn't know the severity of the case, I had no idea that she needed to cut off 5 inches of her colon and had more than 10 stitches on her belly! It was hurtful for me, really, I have never thought of that she might come across the day that she really needs me beside her. I hate myself for not being able to fight along with her. I feel sorry, indeed, for her and for myself, such a pathetic and useless daughter!

After more than 2 week's suffering, she finally managed to be discharged. Another problem emerged: We need somebody to cook for her and grandparents and we have nobody! A voice inside my heart was blaming me: You trashy loser! Your family need you, where are you? What can you do? I can neither help financially nor physically. All I can do is those little "sweet-talks" to sooth her nerves. I asked her whether she wants me to skip 2 months class and take care of this issue. She refused immediately, saying my study is more important than anything. It is? I don't think so. She is the most important in my life. I'm nobody, I can go nowhere without her. I had promised her that I would bring her along in my drifting future. She smiled and said "Ya, you have plenty of chances to take care of me in the future which you cannot run away, but not now." Plenty of chances? I said to myself, only if I'm lucky enough. I didn't even have a chance to tell my dad that I loved him...

I'm devoured in deep sorrow. Everyday's repetitive work plus I got to deal with some annoying animal plus my own studies plus I need to take care of my daily life. It's really full of crap and which anaesthetised me from my stupid wild thoughts. A friend told me that I'm the most intelligent and independent girl he's ever seen in his life. I had a forced smile, yes, I mean it's forced. Everything I am is because I'm forced to be so. I don't want to be so tough and unruly. I'm not born a wild child. I don't want to be so if I ever have a second chance, I may choose another path.

Life is cruel, to everybody, although sometimes it's not fair. Most of time, all of us have to go through the hardship, which makes us stronger and smarter. Having heard lots of heart-breaking stories recently, I got a conclusion, which may sounds irresponsible and silly, but I deeply believe it might be the truth since 2012 is just around the corner. Life is short, enjoy to the maximum before it's too late. No matter what is your choice, as long as you don't regret. Nothing is perfect, neither a relationship nor a marriage. Truth hurts...so hurt...

Melancholy, the never changing theme of life...

Saturday, June 26, 2010

梦一场


Sucie来大马的这个礼拜简直是一晃即过. 19号半夜去机场接到她, 然后在吉隆坡里游荡了两天, 21号踏上了去我向往已久的沙巴的旅途. 时隔三年之后再次去海边旅行, 激动之情无以言表.

当飞机在亚庇机场降落的时候, 我就已经开始心潮澎湃, 对这个城市有种似曾相识的熟悉感, 虽然我从来没有去过, 但关于她的故事也听得多了, 心中早已充满好感. 一个宁静祥和的小城镇, 没有钢筋水泥的森林, 没有混浊的空气, 只有几十万人口在如画般美丽的海边过着悠闲的生活. 我打从心底里羡慕他们可以在这个这么物欲横流的社会里还享受着这份悠然自得. 一个朋友说, 亚庇对于年轻人而言是黑洞, 太过于放松的生活, 过于舒适的环境, 会侵蚀掉年轻人的斗志, 就像黑洞般, 把你吸入其中, 无底的深渊. 我对自己说, 就算她是个黑洞, 我也会有飞蛾扑火般的热情和执着, 因为她能够让我跟自己的心灵对话, 让我忘记整个世界, 只剩下大自然和我, 没有烦恼没有忧愁, 没有生活的压力. 这种心情也只有在从城市中落荒而逃的时候才能体会到吧.

我们的导游兼保镖, 文莱路人甲, 带我们用本地人的眼光和角度来欣赏亚庇. Tungku Abdul Rahman公园的沙滩和鱼群让我以为自己已经进入了天堂. 浮潜我不是第一次, 但是跟这么多不同种类的鱼儿们同游却是生平第一回. 鼓起勇气玩了一次海上降落伞, 事实证明我的勇于尝试是非常明智的选择, 在蓝天白云下, 挂在七彩的降落伞上翱翔, 脚底是碧绿清澈的海水, 远方是海天相接的地平线, 顿悟: 此生无憾也.

长这么大只见过两次彩虹的我, 在亚庇的三天里面就见了两次彩虹, 其中有一次是双层的彩虹, 对于我这种在重工业城市里长大的孩子而言真的是叹为观止! 本地人对此已经习以为常, 没有人像我这么疯狂得好像一只狗孜孜不倦的追着咬自己的尾巴, 沉浸在只有自己才能体会得到的乐趣中.

一路流浪, 要找到一个让我愿意停泊的驿站不容易, 但是亚庇, 我愿意为她停留. 我承认自己词穷, 不知该如何表达我对她的爱. 我原本以为在梦里才有的场景竟然都变成了现实, 在那么美轮美奂的地方, 我仿佛体会到灵魂出壳的感觉.

我的离开是一步三回头, 回到自己最熟悉的城市, 最熟悉的环境过自己一成不变的生活. 于是, 极不情愿的, 梦醒了...

Saturday, June 12, 2010

如果没有我

突然冒出一个念头, 如果没有我, 这个世界会怎样? 有没有人会觉得生活有一些不同, 有没有人会偶尔想起我. 除了家人之外, 还有谁会觉得我很重要? 那天看到一句话, 我们之所以害怕死亡, 是因为我们害怕被遗忘. 所以我们需要组建家庭, 要让我们的儿子, 孙子, 曾孙子记得我们. 但是试问, 有谁会记得自己曾祖父的名字呢? 我觉得能不能被人记住并不重要, 重要的是在人世走一遭, 能够去经历, 感受, 体会, 思考, 能够做到死而无憾也就足够了.

相信每个人的生命都是有定数的, 有些人天生注定会英年早逝, 但是光芒四射的英年早逝也胜过遗臭万年的苟且偷生. 我们每个人都是渺小如尘土, 相信少了任何一粒尘土地球都还是会继续转动的. 只有你自己的圈子知道你的离开, 世界上其他地方的生活还是一切照旧, 没什么大不了.

To the world, we are just nobody. Nothing will happen if without me...

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

My "last words"

Tomorrow is my first exam of ACCA June 2010 sitting, and, it's the most screwed up paper---Audit. I'm here to leave my "last words" before I go to hell tomorrow.

This is the first time that I spend the day before exam at home. Omg, I didn't notice that I've become a good girl =p There is something that has tamed me to certain extend. I must save all my energy for the up-coming holiday! Woohoo!....although still need to work, with a different mood cheers me up! Imagining itself already makes me can hardly close my mouth. Plenty of awaiting events and loads of fun! I'm gonna be back to reality, which feels good...

I promised Ah Jie to hunt the "tiger" and give her the fur as carpet. I will do my best. In the unfortunate event that I'm eaten up by it, save your sorrows and just wish me rest in peace.

God bless us all! =)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Goodbye, my friend

Everybody is in pursuit of their own happiness. Different people has different perception of the ultimate optimal living style. During half way, we may bump into each other, we may walked into somebody's life, accidentally, intentionally or inevitably. No matter how we got to know each other, no matter for what reason we appeared in each other's life, one thing important is, we have been through so many things together, we shared our dreams, our laughters and tears. I was lucky to have the opportunity to witness your biggest decision in life. I supported your transformation and was happy for you that you'd made it successfully. I have never thought that myself is entitled for such huge trust from somebody else like you. I was so flattered and really appreciated your love and your friendship. You have set out an excellent example for me. The so-called "teacher" actually learnt a lot from you. Thank you so much, for being there for me, always...

Goodbye my friend, I know you're gone you said you're gone but I can still feel you here. It's not the end...

Friday, May 14, 2010

逃...

我想要逃,逃离现在的生活,逃离现实,我想要躲在我自己乌托邦的世界里继续我的幻想.我不想长大,我不想上班,我不想读书,不想面对各种稀奇古怪的人和事,不想强迫我自己,但是生活却随时随地在强迫我们.每天一成不变的两点一线让我感到窒息,茫然,惶惑,恐慌.再加上拜某人所赐,在我空白到刺眼的生活中加入了一团团的黑墨,可惜他没有艺术天分,不能创作出一幅水墨山水画.

一个大衰神加上四面墙壁,把我淹没于无奈中,思绪如波涛汹涌,但真正提笔时,却不知该如何将感觉文字化,死钻在牛角尖里不肯出来,自讨没趣.下定决心,我要逃,就算只是两天都好,至少可以让我在被掐死之前呼吸一口新鲜空气,不管它可以持续多久,不管未来有多远,不想让心情让现实打败.

寂寞的逃亡

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Down

Thought it should be a wonderful day today as I "pray hard" enough last night for our long due dinner. Although didn't hear from you until afternoon, I was filled with faith that I'm sure we're able to make it. Receiving the good news really made me fly, and brought the whole world to fly together with me.

With Ah Jie's fully support, I escaped 1 hour earlier than usual. Figuring out what's for dinner on my way out coz I've been staying at the same place eating the same food for God knows how many days. Repetitiveness made me choke. I guess from time to time, I do need a refreshment. However things didn't go on as I expected (which is normal), you texted again, saying dinner is cancelled due to some other stupid fella held you for work. I suddenly fell from heaven to hell, got up from the seat at the bus stop, for a second I felt lost, luckily the bus hasn't come yet. For the very first time, if my memory is still functioning well, it's your first time to say "sorry" to me. I didn't blame you,as I totally understand it's got nothing to do with you, just that I felt very down...

Is it everybody who involved with that particular kind of job is so freaking asshole? I really needed to escape for a while, the boredsome and non-stop weird dreams made me suffocated, so I decided to chill alone.

Are we gonna live like dogs for the rest of our life?

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Rhythm of the rain

五一劳动节,也是我的第一个真正意义上的"双休日",爽得不是一般,昨天在朋友的订婚宴上忙活折腾了一晚上,今天终于得以睡到自然醒,然后像无头苍蝇一样在屋里转悠,东摸摸西搞搞也是自得其乐,至少我可以暂时不用去想学习和工作,那些杀我白细胞的人和事,不用迎合讨好任何人,全天下就只有我自己一个!

傍晚出去买东西,出门的时候已经开始飘毛毛雨了,但是我却故意没有带伞,心想就算淋雨也无所谓,好久没淋雨了,享受一下也无妨.老天还真给面子,买东西买到一半就开始有黄豆大的雨点打在我身上了,过了不到一分钟就开始下得稀里哗啦了.路上的行人都在飞奔找地方避雨,只有我,聪明得很,拿一个塑料袋把手机包起来,然后就开始了我的雨中漫步.

当整个世界都在疾驰的时候,你一个人把自己置身事外,放慢脚步来冷眼旁观欣赏也是别有一番情趣.世界没有变,变的是我们.心情不好的时候,不管外面多么的艳阳高照,心里却永远是阴天.如果放下一切,以旁观者的心态来处事,可能就算天踏下来你也是心如止水的.

若干年前璇烨在同学录中写道:rain won't you tell her that i love her so,please ask the sun to set her heart aglow. 有人说喜欢怀旧代表你已经开始衰老,我不知道是不是真的,但是我向来都是怀旧的人,看旧照片都会惹得满腹轻愁.过于多愁善感也不是好事,这就是林妹妹死得比薛宝钗早的原因.

雨中漫步真的很潇洒,纵使近来收到很多朋友的提醒,说因为欧洲火山灰飘到亚洲地区,会引发酸雨,所以最好不要淋雨,否则容易患皮肤癌.酸雨?对于来自雾都的我而言一点都不稀奇,真不知道重庆的雨有几场是不酸的,三千万子民照样活得消遥自在.街边店铺里的人都盯着我看,可能以为我是疯子.没关系,这个世界上,除了疯子就是傻子.和傻子比起来,我倒宁愿当疯子.

别人笑我忒疯癫,我笑他人看不穿.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

The technicolour phase

I am the red in the rose, the flowers on the blankets on your bedroom floor

And I am the gray in the ghost, that hides with your clothes behind your closet door

I am the green in the grass that bends back from underneath your feet

And I am the blue in your back-alley view where the horizon and the rooftops meet

I am the black in the book, the letters on the pages that you memorize

And I am the orange in the overcast, a color that you visualize

I am the white in the walls that soak up all the sound when you cannot sleep

And I am the peach in the starfish on the beachthat wish the harbor wasn’t quite so deep...

Sunday, April 4, 2010

聚散终有时

原本是朋友的一篇博客标题,被我"抄袭"了过来. 在身强体壮了很久之后,我终于生病了, 忘记抬头看看月亮是不是变成了蓝色, 不然我的病来如山倒是从何而来?昨天下午拖着已经不属于我自己的身躯回到家,倒在床上直到今天早晨,才觉得似乎捡回来半条命. 今天仍然一脸菜色, 原本单薄的身体更加显得飘逸, 真的是一阵风都可以把我吹倒. 本来就没什么血色的面容, 如今更是枯黄憔悴. 我都不忍心看镜子, 怕会触动我的自怜, 天, 我又成了一身排骨!

今天很乖的在家考试, 可能在昏沉状态下会发挥得更好吧, 希望这次不会再被人家F了. 突然收到一个因为忙碌很久没见面的老朋友的信息, 她说她下个月要去台湾, 走之前想见我. 我叫她记得多拍点照片回来给我们看. 可是让人心碎的事情发生了, 她说她是要去台湾定居, 不是去旅行. 这对于我而言像是晴天霹雳. 我从来没有想过她会就这样离开我的身边. 平时虽然也不是常常见面, 但是我心里清楚,她和我在同一个城市, 只要我愿意, 不需要一个小时就可以出现在她面前. 可是现在, 几千公里的路程,而且是在那个****的台湾(我不做评价). 哎, 又一个人要离开我了. 是不是有一天大家都会离开呢?

突然间我觉得很没有安全感, 当整个世界都离开我的时候会是什么样子? 虽然离愁别绪我经历过很多, 但总有一些人的离开会让我们心痛. 可不管我们愿不愿意, 所有人最终都会成为我们生命中的过客, 就连自己的人生伴侣也是, 要么我先离开这个世界, 要么是他先走, 最后总归有人会被抛弃的. 那么, 究竟有没有永恒? 除了上帝的爱是永恒的之外, 在人间应该没有什么东西是永远的, 所以, 当我们拥有的时候就要珍惜, 不管是亲情, 友情, 爱情, 某个人一句亲切的问候, 一个关怀的眼神, 或是一顿愉快的午餐, 一次短暂的相聚, 抑或是一次争论一次口角, 都是一种记忆, 一种过了就不会再有的经历, 虽然不全是鲜艳的, 但都有着各自的色彩, 谁说冷色调就不是一种美? 只是取决于观看者的审美观而已.

TQC在我离开的时候曾经说, 天下没有不散的筵席, 重要的是我们在筵席上留下了什么. 朋友, 一切顺利!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

人生在世,死无全尸

不觉在世已及花信之年, 回首总角之乐,并无大喜大忧,懵懂而过,欲敝其苦惜其甘而不能。志学之年又因年少轻狂,日沉溺于己之梦呓,荒已。余虽言无憾,然悔之晚矣。

惊闻花之现状,百感交集。忆同学少年时共度之悲,恍然若现。君之殇乃路人所不能解,余观足下之恸,力不从心,无奈受迫,苟且偷生,直至今日,乃有幸为己所欲,羡煞旁人矣。

或笑吾痴,议吾癫,是曰:幸得以行世间一遭,如不能梦,至回归之日,遗憾千古哉!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

在我生命中的每一天

本来不想写博客的,因为懒骨头作祟,但是突然间小瘤的一阵抽痛,它再一次残酷地提醒我不要忘记它的存在.

我不是病人,千万次地对自己讲,我只是身上多了一点人家没有的东西而已,而且小瘤在现代社会非常普遍,很多人都有,这不算什么.但是你为什么要痛?为什么要一直提醒我?现在不是我的生理期,按道理说你应该安分守己一点,等我被"大姨妈"欺负的时候你才来火上浇油,这难道不是你的一贯作风么?为什么突然间那么积极呢?

随着年龄的增长,我越来越珍惜生活珍惜生命.我觉得每一天都应该开心充实,因为我们不知道世界末日什么时候会来临.现在一切都那么不稳定,说不准哪天就2012了.我只是希望突然面临世界末日的时候,我不会后悔,不会留下任何遗憾.认真的过每一天,把每一天都当成是最后一天,这样我们就死而无憾了.

那天和牵牛花在LRT上,他说可能火车直接冲出轨道,我们就这样拜拜了,其实我一点也不怕,好像我从来都不怕死亡,只是说会有很多不舍留在人世,我会担心很多人(其实最应该担心我自己才是)我总是这样,自己的粥还没吹冷,就想着要去帮人家吹汤圆,不自量力但又热心的傻瓜.

活了二十几年,去过一些地方,经历过一些事,不多不少,我在书写着自己的人生,自己的故事.感谢这一路来我曾遇到过,伤害过我的,帮助过我的,爱过我的人,感谢一些过客和一些最终将成为过客的人.因为你们,生活才充满了色彩,不管是冷色还是暖色,都是生活必不可少的一部分.生命很美好,酸甜苦辣都是美丽的回忆,我们应该珍惜...

我要说声,谢谢你们,在我生命中的每一天.

感谢上帝,我还活着...

Thursday, March 11, 2010

失落的世界

同样的喧嚣,
却没有再一次的沸腾,
只因为你的离开,
带走了斑驳的色彩,
从此我眼前只剩一片黑白

未讲完的故事,
留下没有悬念的结果
那尘封的心情,
在无意间偶然被触摸,

失落不是因为寂寞,
而是因为与你擦肩而过,
在没有开头没有结局的混乱中,
只剩下我,
在失落的世界中独自蹉跎

Friday, March 5, 2010

Tangled

Love is something neither easy nor complicated. However it has been bothering people for centuries and many of us couldn't figure out how on earth it works. Staying up so late on a weekday night, is to consult 2 friends simultaneously on msn about LOVE issue. I suddenly feel myself is so dedicated and caring, advising them on LOVE on a weekday's midnight...

When talking about other people's problems, we tend to be more brave and open, all kinds of ideas run through the head, all the do's and don'ts, all the should and shouldn't. Acting like an experienced expert, being an outsider really helps us to see things more clearly. Looks as if I'm Ms know-all as I'm trying my best to ease people's pain. However, every word i said, seemed like a spur prick into my heart, it's bleeding inside, quietly without anybody knowing.

I'm a kid who doesn't like to ask questions, in study, in life, in everything. All my questions are swallowed in and kept inside my stomach, nobody knows as I seldom bring them up. People keep on asking me what is love, why is love like this, what should i do in this kind of love... Oh, my...I'm very pandai when talk only, if you ask me to implement all the words I said, sorry to say so, I don't have the bravery.

I used to have the habit of pouring out everything to Nora everytime I'm back home, I call it "empty my recycle bin", so I can start a new phase of life. As I'm becoming more and more stubborn, I try my best not to bring up unhappy issues and keep all the rotten apples with myself. But I'm getting more and more coward, I've lost the courage when I was younger. I'd rather call it "coward" than "matured", sad, isn't it?

Tangled, over some matters, what is right and what is wrong, what am I supposed to do, I don't know...I know you know, then please give me an answer

Monday, February 22, 2010

判刑日

翘首期盼了2个多月,终于等到了这一天,今天是我们ACCA学生的判刑日,因为12月考试的成绩将于今天公布. 原本应该是14号就出成绩的,但是考虑到14号是我们的大年初一,仁慈的ACCA为了让我们安心过年,推迟了一个星期审判我们.
所有人都很紧张,考试的也好,看别人考试的也好,皇帝太监一起急.我的亲爱的们已经很多天都吃不下睡不香了,大家都是神经绷得紧紧的,好像有什么大事会一触即发一样.其实万事已成定局,现在操心也是无谓,我们目前就是像"案板上的猪肉---任人宰割",所以,放松心情,顺其自然吧.
最后,祝所有ACCA的同胞们GOOD LUCK!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

年终盘点

其实严格说起来这已经算是“年初计划”,还没赶得及做总结,虎年就已经在我还没准备好的时候来临了,没有红内裤红内衣,全靠手上一条红珊瑚手链来“抵挡”本命年的“太岁”,我坚信,I'm gonna be ok!

金牛年全球股市一点都不牛,马来西亚也受到严重的冲击,身为平民百姓都会感觉到金融危机的影响,全世界在失业率暴涨的艰难中熬过了一年,而我却在浑浑噩噩又充实忙碌中度过了一年,不知道收获如何,等22号才可以下定论,相信应该是个丰收年。

金虎年来到,不知道等待我们的是什么,Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, today is gift。把握眼前的gift,纵然梦想很丰满,现实很骨感,但是最重要的是心中要有信念,当你相信你可以的时候,你就一定行!

王菲在春晚复出,用她的天籁演绎了《传奇》,相信这是个好兆头,金虎年会是一个传奇!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Emotional

I've been very emotional recently, showing my characteristics as a Cancerian. Frustrated about studies, neither failure nor success cheers me up; tangled on some matters, sensitive about any little ripple, at the same time scared of over-acting to hurt people and myself. My hot temper is emerging, unsatisfied with myself and everything around me, have no idea what I can do to fix it, instead, I'm only like an ant on a hot pan, full of anxiety.

I'm just too eager to figure out something due to lack of confidence and my blindness of being involved inside this matter. I need a sign, an indication, to tell me what to do. I can't even see the situation clearly by myself, overwhelmed by my stupid emotions. Feels like I'm going to be devoured by a blackhole or something. It sucks me in, I'm falling, like dropping inside a whirlpool. Turns around and around, it seems I'm moving however never will I reach the end as there is no end...

Study is like sailing on Pacific Ocean without a compas. No direction, no aim, no captain, no sailor, no steering steel...sounds scary, but this is exactly how I feel now. Again, the word "feel", I'm being emotional again. I'm only sure about one thing, frustrations never end...

Friday, January 29, 2010

碎碎念

又一个星期在眨眼之间飞过,还是每天马不停蹄的生活,上课上班吃饭睡觉,虽忙碌但却很充实. 这个星期我需要好好的自我检讨, 思想异常浮躁(虽然我已经浮躁了很多年), 颇有"雨不停,心不定"的感觉.压力大是固然的,我不知道自己的受重能力有多强,但是骨头里的懒虫子好像又有抬头的迹象.

她,勇敢镇定坚强不屈,一人独自挑起生活的重担,面对困难毫不退缩,尽自己的微薄之力帮助家里减轻负担,熬过了这么多个年头,但却无怨无悔. 我会很心疼她, 同时也很佩服, 佩服她如野草一般的坚韧不拔. 我也不是温室里的小花,我没有任何借口埋怨眼前的幸福生活,知足长乐.

他,比我还年轻,但是却那么上进,一直坚持不懈的自我提升,并没有因为自己天资聪颖而有丝毫懈怠,凡事考虑周到,有责任感又懂事的孩子,那份认真很让人感动.

她,凡事求知求真,学习上非要打破砂锅问到底,这是我从来没有过的精神,人家可以因为一个小问题而研究三天三夜,我什么时候才能有这份钻研的执着?

他,身为家里的长子,家庭在他心目中有着无可比拟的地位,远在他乡,对家里的关怀和挂念,在他坚定的眼神中表露无疑.你即将离开,我会为你默默祈祷,愿你一切都好,希望早日再重逢.

她,怀着一颗少女纯真的心,默默的为某个人付出着真情,这么多年来,那种苦楚是外人无法体会的.羡慕她的执着和热情,同时也怀念自己当初可爱的鲁莽和那些澎湃的思绪. 人老了,好像反而觉得越来越懦弱,越来越麻木.

看到身边这些人,再想到自己,真是自惭形秽,不应该啊不应该,我有一千一万个不应该.要好好珍惜眼前的生活,珍惜一切学习的机会,珍惜现在的充实,不要再给自己找借口开绿灯了,我总是对自己太好...