It's okay not to be okay

Today I had a little chat with an old friend. Small talk about life about work about every tiny piece we shared together.He seemed quite emotional and suffering from doing something he doesn't enjoy. Simple words, he asked me: how is life?

I pondered long enough and was not sure what kind of answer I should provide.Eventually I simply said : I don't know where I shall start to talk about it. Then he got what I mean and responsively replied me saying it means I'm not ok. He went to Jessie J's concert the other day and was amazed by her live show claiming it's even better than the studio album. He quoted a sentence from Who You Are, "It's okay not to be okay".

My heart trembled, he is an adorable kid although not all the time, he does have his little temper once in a while. Generally he's a pleasant person to deal with and as for today I can tell that he is having a tough time.Get bullshit for someone else's fault, it's common in corporate world and it's an awful thing that we're unwilling to encounter,but it's beyond our control. Besides,I told him that the only sparkle of my dull working life is Kimuli, who is the colour in my monochromatic days. He sent his heartiest best wishes to me and which made me think a lot.

Living in this world, many issues are inevitable. We do not have a choice over many things such as we are not able to choose whether or not to come to this world, we can't choose our parents or our childhood either. All we can do is to let go of all the miseries and let the happiness enshrines forever. No scar takes forever to recover, and when it's fully recovered, you will only see a reddish skin and you won't have a slightest idea how it used to pain. Therefore really no point to mentally torture yourself to recall the agony again and again. Let it be...

我的一千零一个愿望

我从古至今向上帝祈求过很多东西，都不是妄求的东西，所以我几乎得到了所有我想要的，只是除了一件，祈求了N久都还没结果的，那就是我的痘痘。

我是一个不抽烟不喝酒的乖孩子，不吃油炸食品，不熬夜，每天喝很多水，吃很多蔬菜和水果，也没便秘的烦恼，可是请问为什么，我还是会长痘痘？记得去年回家动手术的时候，手术医生直接问我是不是长跑运动员，我问她为什么会这么问，她的回答是：因为有痘痘，说明雄性激素多，适合做运动员。我姑且把这当成是赞美的话来自我安慰一下吧。老实说，就连中医也没说出个原因来到底是为什么，虽然我吃了中药很管用，反正一句话，是内部的因素，顺带跟马来西亚的天气也有关（每次从国内回来的第二天就开始狂长）。

这是一个伴随我多年的烦恼，我的青春都快全部逝去了，可青春痘却丝毫没有减退的迹象，反而随着工作的压力而变本加厉了。我不知道pray for没有痘痘算不算“妄求”，在读ACCA的时候，我自我安慰说，上帝给我痘痘，是为了让我少一些“苍蝇”的烦恼，可老实说，“苍蝇”也没少到哪里去。现在我已经毕业了，需要靠着这张脸来找老公了，可是为什么痘痘还不走呢？这件事情的确让人很frustrated，特别是我很在意某些人对我的看法的时候，这种沮丧真的是把我淹没了。通常情况下，我是不会想到这个烦恼的，照样过我的大条神经的生活。可是当伤口一旦被人触碰到，我就觉得很痛，不知道可以用怎样的方式来排遣这样子的抑郁。No，越抑郁痘痘就越猖狂，让我一头撞在豆腐上死了算了。

我已经很毅然决然的把这件事情写在了我的2012resolution里面，今年之内我一定要解决掉这个问题。工作呀，请你不要给我那么大的压力吧。内分泌呀，请你乖乖的不要失调吧。大姨妈呀，请你准时来准时走不出任何问题吧，我的这张没地方放的老脸就全指望你们了。卖锅的，希望你能满足我这一千零一个的唯一愿望...

第一次怀念学生时代

距离我正式毕业，已经5个月过去了，然而真正开始上班的日子只有不到两个月，在今天，我生平第一次由衷的体会到了怀念学生时代的感觉。

我的工作性质很特别，星期五上半天班，但是周末需要在家自己做报告，拉长补短的还是给你休息两天，可前提是你可以只用半天的时间就做完报告，要不然就会跟我一样的下场。作为年纪最大的应届毕业生，再加上是外国人，再加上是超级像本地人的外国人，我不知道自己是该哭还是该笑。我从来没想过工作其实会那么痛苦，以前读书的时候虽然我的balance sheet也从来不balance，cashflow也从来不tally，可我的ACCA却是一路绿灯高挂，丝毫没有问题，而我也不以为耻反以为荣的自称是“从来不平衡的会计师”。可是，工作是现实的，工作要求你的报告一定要平衡，差额也要差在可承受范围之内。而我这种动辄差个几百万美金的，我自己也知道我会死得很惨。

我从昨天晚上7点开始，认真的端正的坐在桌子前面，比临考复习还要严肃，那该死的东西让我熬到三点半，最终因为实在无望而放弃。而今天早上起来，我毅然决然的放弃了我的马来西亚网球公开赛决赛。像我这么贪玩的人，叫我放弃娱乐项目简直是拿我的小命。我从来没这么绝望过，真的是百分之百的确定，这个东西是在我能力范围之外的，今天又苦战了一个白天，直到后来有了想吐的感觉。我就算今天做不出来会怎样？明天会死么？世界末日就到了么？？？

我不禁回想起学生时代的我，不管大考当前还是怎样，歌照唱，舞照跳，照常到处吃到处玩到处跑。一边打打工赚两个零花，一边翘脚翻几页书，每周按时去保龄球馆ktv房报到，每个学期也照例的pass。外人看来，我是完全无烦恼，也不需要烦什么。那时候我就在想，如果可以一辈子都这样就好了，我没有概念我会多么的想念那段美好的时光，想想每天睡到自然醒，每天抓脑袋看要去哪里找吃的找玩的。人家在办公室里憋着的时候，我到处活蹦乱跳，从最开始的有人监督的情况下，每周出去玩一天，到后来没人监督的时候，每周可能只有一个整天是乖乖在家的，我的自由可以说是被发挥到了极致。可是要知道，野孩子也不可能野一辈子，虽然内心是无比的想逃离，可是迫于无奈，生活给了我们太多的无奈，是由不得我们选择的。只能让我在连续工作7天之后，用最后这个晚上，摸摸自己的电脑，让自己不再有工作的感觉，写点牢骚，无病呻吟几句。

昨日之日我想留，今日之日多烦忧！

Thank you

My tea's gone cold,I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all
the morning rain clouds up my window and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey,but your picture on my wall
it reminds me that it's not so bad it's not so bad

I drank too much last night,got bills to pay my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today I'm late for work again
and even if I'm there,they'll all imply that I might not last the day
and then you call me and it's not so bad it's not so bad and

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life

I want to beg you to be there forever and ever whenever I need you.
Although I don't have a slightest clue,whether it is meant to be you.
And after all that I've been through, it's amazing that I finally found you.
Standing there, absolultely true...