浮躁

离大考还有不到一个星期，我被迫憋在家里长蘑菇，虽然人是在家，但是心却不知道飞去哪儿了。每天爬起来坐在书桌前，东摸摸西搞搞，时间转眼就过去了，看了不少东西，但不知道能记得多少。貌似都是翻书全然，关书茫然，一切都取决于我考场上的bullsh*t能力吧。都这个时候了，我也就抱着多记一点算一点的心态，看等到考试的时候，这些一点一点积累起来有没有到50分吧。如果最后一战没有成功，那么只能证明一点：我这三年是失败的，虽然一仗一仗的打得都很成功，但是归根结底，学的东西不扎实，通过不了质量检验，坚决不准出厂！

书还没读出来，毛病一大堆，腰酸背痛腿抽筋好像样样俱全，都是拜读书所赐。是谁曾经说的“万般皆下品，唯有读书高”来着？我真想知道如果命都没了，读书能高到哪儿去。又遇到了跟七年前类似的故事，有人太看得起我，非要把我这条泥鳅扯成鳝鱼那么长。她真的是没动脑子哦？还是被糊涂油蒙了心？典型的self interest严重超标！

拿到我的新电脑快两个星期了，它真是让人喜忧参半。喜的是我从自行车一下子升级到了小轿车，忧的是它太高级了，以至于整天有事没事的都欺负我。而且欺负完了之后还不是那么容易就可以搞得定它，这真让我真的发毒誓，如果以后我有孩子的话，我一定要让他/她学IT，看你再敢欺负我？哼！咱不求人！

考试完了有一个很繁忙很充实的行程在等着我，加油吧！上帝保佑！

May 2011

2 weeks "no laptop time" has passed without my notice. I guess thanks to my not-so-smart yet definately not stupid SE phone.

Well its the first day of May,people are celebrating their holidays worldwide. Its a long weekend as well but thats not the point I want to bring in.What does May mean to an ACCA student? Its our intensive revision time and exam is just around the corner. But this round it is very special for me,May 2011,it will be my last month of fulltime student sweet time in my entire life! Wow,that sounds a bit serious,coz as usual,what we cherish the most is actually what we can't have. I told myself million times that I gotta really catch this last chance to enjoy.

However,there is something else that I need to consider,it's my last 2 papers this round,will I die or survive?Among all the candidates I know,only 2 managed to clear all papers without a single failure. That's a very scary percentage. I am scratching my head trying to figure out how possible it is for me to become the 3rd one. The opportunity cost of such failure that I have to bear is simply just too high: 6 months salary plus tuition fee and exam fee. Out of curiosity,i divided it by 30 to see how much each day costs. And the result is really stunning...

Pity me as a foreigner in Malaysia,i have no choice because the local big4 firms cant recruit me due to government policy. I have to find my own way out,no choice. Cruel but thats the way it is...FIGHTO!

May 2011,month of GOLD...

I miss my laptop!

Its been 24 hrs since my 7 years old laptop went into "coma". I feel like millions ants are biting my ass,I could hardly sit properly. My table seems too empty without the 14' inch thing. Everything is just so inconveniet. Now I am forced to use my "not a smart" phone to grumble. Finally there is once that I feel like a touch screen freaky phone is useful in the absence of a laptop. A tiny little keypad plus a crappy wifi connection really makes me wanna throw it out of my window.(but then I wont be able to grumble anymore)
Can we survive without a laptop? I dont know. I just automatically wanna turn it on after I reach home and drown myself in the endless radiation. Still, a stupid phone cannot fully replace a laptop. I have never tried tablet before,dont dare to comment much. Just pray hard that my laptop in the ICU still can be cured. God bless...

当未来变成现在

时钟在日月不停的滴嗒着，我们每天都在看时间，但是很少会想，每一分钟每一小时的过去意味着什么。朋友说：转眼之间，我们曾经所谓的未来都变成了眼前的每一个现在，是不是我们老了？关于“老”这个字眼，我很少提及，因为我从来不觉得自己“老”。虽然自从开始读ACCA之后每天是混在一群比自己小的孩子当中，但我把自己的心态调整得跟他们一样，所以我觉得我forever 21，从来没有去想，2字头已经去了一半了，是不是该考虑找个人嫁了？（哇，好可怕(⊙o⊙)，不能有这样的念头！）

周末上了一次云顶，在快两年没去过山顶之后，再次去吹风。晚上一群人在ktv包厢里发疯，该唱的唱该跳的跳该喝的喝该倒的倒。老样子，我还是滴酒不沾，唯一不同的是，以前疯到早上都没事的我，现在到半夜好像就有些力不从心了。半夜3点多睡觉，第二天10点多起床，整个脑袋都要爆了的感觉，眼睛需要火柴棍来撑开，要不是山顶的冷风，我看我走路都是头朝地的。第二天晚上9点就像尸体一般爬上床了，直到第二天9点才睁眼，可是让人费解的是12个小时的睡眠过后，我还是像尸体一样。用一瓶可乐让自己强打起精神，眼睛是睁开了，不过心里的谜题没解开。难道真的是身体在给我讯号提醒我现在的我已经不是当初的我了？

看着周围比我小四五岁的人，我觉得自己跟他们的区别不光是在那个数字上，很多思想观念，很多生活经历，对事物的看法都不一样。真的是三年一代啊，代沟很明显！可是他们的优势是时间，撞了墙壁可以回头，一句话，还经得起折腾！我觉得我的一把老骨头可能折腾不起了，虽然在YC跟SG的眼里我还是很嫩， 继续我的slogan，forever 21! Blek~

We are nothing at all

Nowadays the No.1 headline of every single news press is the catastrophe in Japan. It happened just 1 week ago, 9.0 magnitude earthquake followed by 10-metre high tsunami and subsequently was the explosion at the nuclear power station. Japan, 1 of the most developed country in the world, has turned into the most destroyed modern civilization that I've ever seen.

The aftermath of the disaster is far more serious than we can imagine. People all over the world are concerned about the possible radiation emission. Even thousand miles apart, at the US, the panicking crowd are buying iodine supplements like mad because they naively thought it can help them prevent radiation contamination. In China, the chaos of fighting for salt is on-going which is really ridiculous. Most supermarkets and hypermarkets have run out of salt, even in 7-11 you also can't find the most common and immaterial daily seasoning. And the most absurd news is a guy died because of excessive dose of salt and became the first victim out of Japan! What a joke!

I have no idea how much lesson human beings has learnt from all these natural disasters. Or they simply think it has nothing to do with them because it's not something that happened to them yet. However, there is only 1 planet, I guess us human beings should be on the same boat when we need to fight for our own tomorrow, although none of us knows whether there is tomorrow and how many tomorrows do we still have. We can't even determine our own future and we are extremely dependent on so many external factors to survive. We claim to be the king of everything but actually we are nothing.

Feeling kind of Sunday blue (well as I don't have Monday blue). After a busy week, finally have some private time to carry out my own silly meditation. Just now saw the video by NameWee on youtube, actually I never really liked him but I admit he is talented and sarcastic enough. But this time, the lyrics and rhythm seems so piercing and every word is a pinch in my heart. And I suddenly feel that I should cherish the present moment more. Everything I have, every people I know, every tiny little pieces in my life, as they are not eternal. Out of suddenly I miss so many people, my beloved and my dear friends. So many of you guys are just, irreplaceable, that's the word pop out of my mind. I love you all!

The 7 billion creatures, please wake up, as we are really nothing at all...

难呀难呀难

今天，第一次用我的预付手机打给人家超过一个小时，一直聊到没钱断线，真是破了我不喜欢打电话的记录。不过电话那头的哭声真的让我很心痛，痛得不忍心挂电话，最后还是hotlink毫不留情的帮我解决了这个难题。

有人问：为什么做人那么难？我心里想的是，不难的话就不叫人了。人有人存在的价值，有价值的话肯定会经历更巨大的考验。就像所谓的：能力越强大，责任就越重。所以我们没必要去埋怨生活里的不顺，换个角度看吧，天将降大任于斯人也，谁知道呢你说是不是？

最近YC跟WY还有米米都出了点状况，都是跟我手心手背的人，我看在眼里都痛在心上。我能做什么呢？除了当一个忠实的听众，时不时挖空心思出点馊主意之外，剩下的我也无能为力吧。可以说是自家的稀饭还没吹冷，没办法帮人家吹汤圆。不过我觉得我没那么容易被打倒，常年以来已经磨砺出了我这颗橡皮轮胎做的心。在悬崖边上也是要笑着安慰自己，不远的地方肯定有个树枝可以给我抱。多么希望我这样子无厘头无根据的乐天主义能影响到身边的每一个人啊，但是那种坚定的信念并不是每个人都能有的吧，哎...

很多人羡慕我，从他们看我的眼神就可以知道。他们觉得我无忧无虑，每天很开心很闲，想吃就吃，想玩就玩，ACCA读到今天也一切顺利。可是实际情况并非如此啊。老实说，如果可以的话，我倒想跟很多人换换，我给你们我所拥有的一切，换你们的一切，你们未必愿意就是了。接受你所不能改变的吧，人与人根本就是不同的，但是我们有一个相同点，那就是不可能有100%完美的生活，总有些事情是会让我们头痛的。难事摆在眼前，我们用怎样的心态来看待它就会make一个很大的difference。大家一起加油吧！

扑克脸

有朋友在面子书上感叹，为什么这个世上有那么多的扑克脸？我想可能是因为大家都害怕吧，对人类的不信任和对大环境的恐惧感，内心的不安和惶惑只有靠一张扑克来遮掩。白天规规矩矩的做事做人，晚上如果有机会，可能会在网络上偶尔显露一下自己的真实面目。前一秒钟的带着面具的道貌岸然，可能在转眼之间崩溃，取而代之的是一个赤裸裸的灵魂。原始和本性显露无疑，那么直白那么朴实，不管是好是坏，都是最纯最真的自我。

扑克有54张牌，但是人却不止有54张脸。识时务者为俊杰，见人说人话，见鬼说鬼话，几乎已经成为最基本的生存守则。每个人都生怕别人知道自己葫芦里卖的是什么药，似乎只有保持神秘感，才能保持别人对你的兴趣。或者是说，社会要求人类在不同的时候扮演不同的角色，在父母面前是好儿女，在配偶面前是好老公好老婆，在孩子面前是好父母，在情人面前是罗密欧/朱丽叶，在上司面前是奴才，在下属面前是皇帝。可能父母永远没有机会看到你当奴才的时候，老板也永远不知道你比莎翁还浪漫。

这一切似乎已经成了理所当然，每个人都在默默遵守着这个规矩，从来没有人会质疑。所以最终的结局是，不管你愿意与否，别人对你的了解都只是N分之一而已，人家只能以人家看得到的你那一面来评价100%的你。所以根本不要妄想一个人会完全了解你，就算是你的灵魂伴侣也好，相信都不是百分之百。换句话说，可能真正100%的你摆在你自己面前的时候，你自己都会恶心得无法接受，应该觉得无地自容才是，所以最好还是用你的扑克脸把那些肮脏丑陋的部分藏起来吧。

Can't read my can't read my, no he can't read my poker face, she's got to love nobody...