认错

两个人在一起会有赢家输家

因为付出的多少总是有偏差

向来都是我在包容我在挣扎

何时你才愿聆听我的心里话

我知道每个人都会犯错

一次错误不会抹杀你之前的承诺

但错了之后要如何改过

你以为绝口不提, 伤口就能自动愈合

为什么你就是不肯认错

这样的僵局对我而言是折磨

不知你是否有为我想过

女人也有尊严也有人格

为什么你选择这样对我

我很无辜的就成为了受害者

你逃避是否证明你懦弱

心里的障碍何时才能被突破

我知道每个人都会犯错

一次错误不会抹杀你之前的承诺

但错了之后要如何改过

你以为绝口不提, 伤口就能自动愈合

为什么你就是不肯认错

这样的僵局对我而言是折磨

不知你是否有为我想过

女人也有尊严也有人格

为什么你选择这样对我

我很无辜的就成了受害者

你逃避是否证明你懦弱

心里的障碍何时才能被突破

别再强迫自己伪装什么都没发生

你的故作镇定只能倍增我的苦闷

为什么你就是不肯认错

这样的僵局对我而言是折磨

不知你是否有为我想过

女人也有尊严也有人格

为什么你选择这样对我

我很无辜的就成了受害者

你逃避是否证明你懦弱

心里的障碍何时才能被突破

禁果

逃离白天的沉闷, 迎来夜的放松

踏出家门的洒脱, 来到我的乐窝,

音乐轰隆灯光闪烁

人群中我们视线交错,

他的眼神充满诱惑,

谁说女生只能沉默

那完美轮廓是诱人的禁果

我渴望自由生活. 我厌倦精神枷锁

传统观念抛去脑后, 今晚就high个够.

一个点头一声问候

忍不住内心的狂野

I’m your baby tonight

不管世俗的眼光, 我只相信感觉

跟着内心的呼唤, 应该会更快乐

在他怀里翩翩起舞

体会从未有过的幸福

从今以后自己作主

喜欢什么讨厌什么

不需要其他人来指指点点

我渴望自由生活. 我厌倦精神枷锁

传统观念抛去脑后, 今晚就high个够.

一阵抚摸一个热吻

忍不住内心的狂野

I’m your baby tonight

没有激情的结合一点也不fun

只有禁果才最可口

我渴望自由生活. 我厌倦精神枷锁

传统观念抛去脑后, 今晚就high个够.

一阵抚摸一个热吻

忍不住内心的狂野

I’m your baby tonight

沉淀

转眼又是好久没有更新博客, 日子在忙乱中匆匆的就过了. 大约两周前经历了一些不太愉快的事, 辞掉了工作, 才得以有时间和心情来整理思绪, 把过去大约一年里的纷繁是非通通抛去脑后, 又回到全职学生的状态, 百感交集.

过去两年多里, 一直都是埋头走路, 因为我不敢抬头看前方, 路是那么漫长, 我怕我看了之后就没有勇气再继续走下去. 时间真的转眼就过, 好像昨天我才刚刚开始读ACCA, 周围的人都觉得我是脑袋进水, 又一个三年, 说长不长说短不短, 但是需要极大的耐心和毅力去坚持自己的选择. 眨眼之间, 已经读到了professional level. 这也就意味着, 还有最后一年, 我的学生生涯就走到尽头了. 虽然我不是喜欢读书的人, 但是比起工作, 我肯定会选择读书, 单纯的无忧无虑的生活. 有自己的时间, 思考人生思考未来, 有时间做梦, 不管那些梦最后能否成真, 但至少当初的那份期望是纯洁的.

一个同龄的朋友跟我说她怀孕了, 再过不久就要当妈妈了. 我听了之后感慨万千, 人家就要为人父母了, 但我却还是个不愿意长大的孩子. 我都不知道自己是羡慕她还是怎样, 至少跟自己的爱人组织家庭是很幸福的事情. 但是如果叫我选, 我也不保证我会选择跟她同样的生活. 我自己都不知道我想要怎样的生活, 野孩子, 在外漂泊可能已经习惯了, 渐渐淡薄了"家"的概念, 同时也不敢奢望那种有一个温暖的家的幸福. 毕竟, 世事难料, 现实很残酷, 40%的离婚率已经成了我心头一片阴霾. 执子之手, 与子偕老, 应该是很难的吧, 不然也不会那么让人向往了.

为了麻木自己的不知所措, 我选择享受眼前的生活. 睡到自然醒, 听自己喜欢的音乐, 看自己喜欢的书, 做自己喜欢的事, 就连读厚到可以当枕头的ACCA课本都让我心情舒畅, 我可能是想紧握最后的欢乐时光不放吧. 毕业之后, 说得好听点, 可以为社会做贡献, 可以实现自己的价值, 可以赚钱. 但是我们也会失去很多, 毕竟一开始工作, 就会持续几十年, 直到我们老得做不动了, 逃也逃不掉. 那么何必现在急着跳入这个不能回头的泥淖呢?

在此, 要感谢妈妈的全力支持, 金钱上和精神上的, 我欠她太多太多, 但是我保证, 这将是她养我的最后一年, 我也潇洒够了, 以后要想继续潇洒, 就得靠自己的本事了. 我要加油!

Chaos in life

Tons of mess have happened in the past few weeks.

On the first day of my holiday to KK, I got this terrible news that Nora was admitted into hospital coz they found a lump in her colon. She told me peacefully that she's gonna go for the operation and wouldn't be able to call me or chat with me for a while. Initially I didn't know the severity of the case, I had no idea that she needed to cut off 5 inches of her colon and had more than 10 stitches on her belly! It was hurtful for me, really, I have never thought of that she might come across the day that she really needs me beside her. I hate myself for not being able to fight along with her. I feel sorry, indeed, for her and for myself, such a pathetic and useless daughter!

After more than 2 week's suffering, she finally managed to be discharged. Another problem emerged: We need somebody to cook for her and grandparents and we have nobody! A voice inside my heart was blaming me: You trashy loser! Your family need you, where are you? What can you do? I can neither help financially nor physically. All I can do is those little "sweet-talks" to sooth her nerves. I asked her whether she wants me to skip 2 months class and take care of this issue. She refused immediately, saying my study is more important than anything. It is? I don't think so. She is the most important in my life. I'm nobody, I can go nowhere without her. I had promised her that I would bring her along in my drifting future. She smiled and said "Ya, you have plenty of chances to take care of me in the future which you cannot run away, but not now." Plenty of chances? I said to myself, only if I'm lucky enough. I didn't even have a chance to tell my dad that I loved him...

I'm devoured in deep sorrow. Everyday's repetitive work plus I got to deal with some annoying animal plus my own studies plus I need to take care of my daily life. It's really full of crap and which anaesthetised me from my stupid wild thoughts. A friend told me that I'm the most intelligent and independent girl he's ever seen in his life. I had a forced smile, yes, I mean it's forced. Everything I am is because I'm forced to be so. I don't want to be so tough and unruly. I'm not born a wild child. I don't want to be so if I ever have a second chance, I may choose another path.

Life is cruel, to everybody, although sometimes it's not fair. Most of time, all of us have to go through the hardship, which makes us stronger and smarter. Having heard lots of heart-breaking stories recently, I got a conclusion, which may sounds irresponsible and silly, but I deeply believe it might be the truth since 2012 is just around the corner. Life is short, enjoy to the maximum before it's too late. No matter what is your choice, as long as you don't regret. Nothing is perfect, neither a relationship nor a marriage. Truth hurts...so hurt...

Melancholy, the never changing theme of life...

梦一场

Sucie来大马的这个礼拜简直是一晃即过. 19号半夜去机场接到她, 然后在吉隆坡里游荡了两天, 21号踏上了去我向往已久的沙巴的旅途. 时隔三年之后再次去海边旅行, 激动之情无以言表.

当飞机在亚庇机场降落的时候, 我就已经开始心潮澎湃, 对这个城市有种似曾相识的熟悉感, 虽然我从来没有去过, 但关于她的故事也听得多了, 心中早已充满好感. 一个宁静祥和的小城镇, 没有钢筋水泥的森林, 没有混浊的空气, 只有几十万人口在如画般美丽的海边过着悠闲的生活. 我打从心底里羡慕他们可以在这个这么物欲横流的社会里还享受着这份悠然自得. 一个朋友说, 亚庇对于年轻人而言是黑洞, 太过于放松的生活, 过于舒适的环境, 会侵蚀掉年轻人的斗志, 就像黑洞般, 把你吸入其中, 无底的深渊. 我对自己说, 就算她是个黑洞, 我也会有飞蛾扑火般的热情和执着, 因为她能够让我跟自己的心灵对话, 让我忘记整个世界, 只剩下大自然和我, 没有烦恼没有忧愁, 没有生活的压力. 这种心情也只有在从城市中落荒而逃的时候才能体会到吧.

我们的导游兼保镖, 文莱路人甲, 带我们用本地人的眼光和角度来欣赏亚庇. Tungku Abdul Rahman公园的沙滩和鱼群让我以为自己已经进入了天堂. 浮潜我不是第一次, 但是跟这么多不同种类的鱼儿们同游却是生平第一回. 鼓起勇气玩了一次海上降落伞, 事实证明我的勇于尝试是非常明智的选择, 在蓝天白云下, 挂在七彩的降落伞上翱翔, 脚底是碧绿清澈的海水, 远方是海天相接的地平线, 顿悟: 此生无憾也.

长这么大只见过两次彩虹的我, 在亚庇的三天里面就见了两次彩虹, 其中有一次是双层的彩虹, 对于我这种在重工业城市里长大的孩子而言真的是叹为观止! 本地人对此已经习以为常, 没有人像我这么疯狂得好像一只狗孜孜不倦的追着咬自己的尾巴, 沉浸在只有自己才能体会得到的乐趣中.

一路流浪, 要找到一个让我愿意停泊的驿站不容易, 但是亚庇, 我愿意为她停留. 我承认自己词穷, 不知该如何表达我对她的爱. 我原本以为在梦里才有的场景竟然都变成了现实, 在那么美轮美奂的地方, 我仿佛体会到灵魂出壳的感觉.

我的离开是一步三回头, 回到自己最熟悉的城市, 最熟悉的环境过自己一成不变的生活. 于是, 极不情愿的, 梦醒了...

如果没有我

突然冒出一个念头, 如果没有我, 这个世界会怎样? 有没有人会觉得生活有一些不同, 有没有人会偶尔想起我. 除了家人之外, 还有谁会觉得我很重要? 那天看到一句话, 我们之所以害怕死亡, 是因为我们害怕被遗忘. 所以我们需要组建家庭, 要让我们的儿子, 孙子, 曾孙子记得我们. 但是试问, 有谁会记得自己曾祖父的名字呢? 我觉得能不能被人记住并不重要, 重要的是在人世走一遭, 能够去经历, 感受, 体会, 思考, 能够做到死而无憾也就足够了.

相信每个人的生命都是有定数的, 有些人天生注定会英年早逝, 但是光芒四射的英年早逝也胜过遗臭万年的苟且偷生. 我们每个人都是渺小如尘土, 相信少了任何一粒尘土地球都还是会继续转动的. 只有你自己的圈子知道你的离开, 世界上其他地方的生活还是一切照旧, 没什么大不了.

To the world, we are just nobody. Nothing will happen if without me...

My "last words"

Tomorrow is my first exam of ACCA June 2010 sitting, and, it's the most screwed up paper---Audit. I'm here to leave my "last words" before I go to hell tomorrow.

This is the first time that I spend the day before exam at home. Omg, I didn't notice that I've become a good girl =p There is something that has tamed me to certain extend. I must save all my energy for the up-coming holiday! Woohoo!....although still need to work, with a different mood cheers me up! Imagining itself already makes me can hardly close my mouth. Plenty of awaiting events and loads of fun! I'm gonna be back to reality, which feels good...

I promised Ah Jie to hunt the "tiger" and give her the fur as carpet. I will do my best. In the unfortunate event that I'm eaten up by it, save your sorrows and just wish me rest in peace.

God bless us all! =)