蓝色心情

从小就知道自己是个极度情绪化的人，前一秒还很高兴，后一秒遇到不开心的事可以直接一百八十度大转弯。没太多心机，喜怒哀乐都写在脸上，很少有装B死撑着的时候，也很少有机会遇到非要死撑的情形。

已经好久没有这么持续的blue了，我在办公室多少个小时，我就blue多少个小时，回到家，只要开着公司的电脑，我就继续blue。我向来知道我是典型的theory X，只是不知道严重到什么程度。虽然读书的时候我也不爱读书，可好歹都能咬咬牙坚持，倒也不见得痛苦到面目狰狞。（高中数学咱就别提了，那个是属于外星人的，咱地球人不在讨论之列）可是说到工作，part-time我做过不计其数，full-time的乱七八糟的工作也做过不少，虽然没有遇到会让我非常兴高采烈今天还没下班就期待明天上班的，可至少不会有这种持续的蓝色心情。

有朋友说，怎么我变了一个人？以前那个爱说爱笑的麻雀怎么像被人拔了毛似的？不光她怀念，我自己也怀念。是啊，我承认我是秃了，毛都贡献给资本家了，这年头，不光鸭毛鹅毛能卖钱，麻雀毛人家也照收不误。为了几个花生豆，贴上了时间，自由和快乐，很难说这样的取舍是否值得，但是为了生存，我们不得不做出一些违心的选择。我突然间非常痛恨所谓的flexibility，这意味着你走到哪儿，工作就跟到哪儿，你完全没有自己的空间，工作恨不得跟着你一起上厕所洗澡睡觉。我想要逃，跟自己的私人空间一起逃离到一个没人知道的地方，彻底的放空，卸下精神的枷锁，虽然只是暂时的也好。

小时候都以为自己能拯救世界，长大了才发现原来全世界都拯救不了自己。幸好，当太阳被乌云遮住的时候，还有你，为我点着一支蜡烛，微微的光虽然照不亮整个世界，但是足以温暖我心中那一片小小的未被侵蚀的地方。你让蓝色的心情不再蓝得那么单调沉闷，至少也要像坦桑蓝一样，散发着蓝中透紫的神秘色彩。我要很真诚地跟你说声谢谢，世上没有任何人是理所应当地为别人付出的，背后都有一个缘由，而我，当然知道这个缘由，一切尽在不言中吧...

It's okay not to be okay

Today I had a little chat with an old friend. Small talk about life about work about every tiny piece we shared together.He seemed quite emotional and suffering from doing something he doesn't enjoy. Simple words, he asked me: how is life?

I pondered long enough and was not sure what kind of answer I should provide.Eventually I simply said : I don't know where I shall start to talk about it. Then he got what I mean and responsively replied me saying it means I'm not ok. He went to Jessie J's concert the other day and was amazed by her live show claiming it's even better than the studio album. He quoted a sentence from Who You Are, "It's okay not to be okay".

My heart trembled, he is an adorable kid although not all the time, he does have his little temper once in a while. Generally he's a pleasant person to deal with and as for today I can tell that he is having a tough time.Get bullshit for someone else's fault, it's common in corporate world and it's an awful thing that we're unwilling to encounter,but it's beyond our control. Besides,I told him that the only sparkle of my dull working life is Kimuli, who is the colour in my monochromatic days. He sent his heartiest best wishes to me and which made me think a lot.

Living in this world, many issues are inevitable. We do not have a choice over many things such as we are not able to choose whether or not to come to this world, we can't choose our parents or our childhood either. All we can do is to let go of all the miseries and let the happiness enshrines forever. No scar takes forever to recover, and when it's fully recovered, you will only see a reddish skin and you won't have a slightest idea how it used to pain. Therefore really no point to mentally torture yourself to recall the agony again and again. Let it be...

我的一千零一个愿望

我从古至今向上帝祈求过很多东西，都不是妄求的东西，所以我几乎得到了所有我想要的，只是除了一件，祈求了N久都还没结果的，那就是我的痘痘。

我是一个不抽烟不喝酒的乖孩子，不吃油炸食品，不熬夜，每天喝很多水，吃很多蔬菜和水果，也没便秘的烦恼，可是请问为什么，我还是会长痘痘？记得去年回家动手术的时候，手术医生直接问我是不是长跑运动员，我问她为什么会这么问，她的回答是：因为有痘痘，说明雄性激素多，适合做运动员。我姑且把这当成是赞美的话来自我安慰一下吧。老实说，就连中医也没说出个原因来到底是为什么，虽然我吃了中药很管用，反正一句话，是内部的因素，顺带跟马来西亚的天气也有关（每次从国内回来的第二天就开始狂长）。

这是一个伴随我多年的烦恼，我的青春都快全部逝去了，可青春痘却丝毫没有减退的迹象，反而随着工作的压力而变本加厉了。我不知道pray for没有痘痘算不算“妄求”，在读ACCA的时候，我自我安慰说，上帝给我痘痘，是为了让我少一些“苍蝇”的烦恼，可老实说，“苍蝇”也没少到哪里去。现在我已经毕业了，需要靠着这张脸来找老公了，可是为什么痘痘还不走呢？这件事情的确让人很frustrated，特别是我很在意某些人对我的看法的时候，这种沮丧真的是把我淹没了。通常情况下，我是不会想到这个烦恼的，照样过我的大条神经的生活。可是当伤口一旦被人触碰到，我就觉得很痛，不知道可以用怎样的方式来排遣这样子的抑郁。No，越抑郁痘痘就越猖狂，让我一头撞在豆腐上死了算了。

我已经很毅然决然的把这件事情写在了我的2012resolution里面，今年之内我一定要解决掉这个问题。工作呀，请你不要给我那么大的压力吧。内分泌呀，请你乖乖的不要失调吧。大姨妈呀，请你准时来准时走不出任何问题吧，我的这张没地方放的老脸就全指望你们了。卖锅的，希望你能满足我这一千零一个的唯一愿望...

第一次怀念学生时代

距离我正式毕业，已经5个月过去了，然而真正开始上班的日子只有不到两个月，在今天，我生平第一次由衷的体会到了怀念学生时代的感觉。

我的工作性质很特别，星期五上半天班，但是周末需要在家自己做报告，拉长补短的还是给你休息两天，可前提是你可以只用半天的时间就做完报告，要不然就会跟我一样的下场。作为年纪最大的应届毕业生，再加上是外国人，再加上是超级像本地人的外国人，我不知道自己是该哭还是该笑。我从来没想过工作其实会那么痛苦，以前读书的时候虽然我的balance sheet也从来不balance，cashflow也从来不tally，可我的ACCA却是一路绿灯高挂，丝毫没有问题，而我也不以为耻反以为荣的自称是“从来不平衡的会计师”。可是，工作是现实的，工作要求你的报告一定要平衡，差额也要差在可承受范围之内。而我这种动辄差个几百万美金的，我自己也知道我会死得很惨。

我从昨天晚上7点开始，认真的端正的坐在桌子前面，比临考复习还要严肃，那该死的东西让我熬到三点半，最终因为实在无望而放弃。而今天早上起来，我毅然决然的放弃了我的马来西亚网球公开赛决赛。像我这么贪玩的人，叫我放弃娱乐项目简直是拿我的小命。我从来没这么绝望过，真的是百分之百的确定，这个东西是在我能力范围之外的，今天又苦战了一个白天，直到后来有了想吐的感觉。我就算今天做不出来会怎样？明天会死么？世界末日就到了么？？？

我不禁回想起学生时代的我，不管大考当前还是怎样，歌照唱，舞照跳，照常到处吃到处玩到处跑。一边打打工赚两个零花，一边翘脚翻几页书，每周按时去保龄球馆ktv房报到，每个学期也照例的pass。外人看来，我是完全无烦恼，也不需要烦什么。那时候我就在想，如果可以一辈子都这样就好了，我没有概念我会多么的想念那段美好的时光，想想每天睡到自然醒，每天抓脑袋看要去哪里找吃的找玩的。人家在办公室里憋着的时候，我到处活蹦乱跳，从最开始的有人监督的情况下，每周出去玩一天，到后来没人监督的时候，每周可能只有一个整天是乖乖在家的，我的自由可以说是被发挥到了极致。可是要知道，野孩子也不可能野一辈子，虽然内心是无比的想逃离，可是迫于无奈，生活给了我们太多的无奈，是由不得我们选择的。只能让我在连续工作7天之后，用最后这个晚上，摸摸自己的电脑，让自己不再有工作的感觉，写点牢骚，无病呻吟几句。

昨日之日我想留，今日之日多烦忧！

Thank you

My tea's gone cold,I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all
the morning rain clouds up my window and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey,but your picture on my wall
it reminds me that it's not so bad it's not so bad

I drank too much last night,got bills to pay my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today I'm late for work again
and even if I'm there,they'll all imply that I might not last the day
and then you call me and it's not so bad it's not so bad and

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life

I want to beg you to be there forever and ever whenever I need you.
Although I don't have a slightest clue,whether it is meant to be you.
And after all that I've been through, it's amazing that I finally found you.
Standing there, absolultely true...

另一个我，你在哪里？

昨天晚上我再一次地一个人去听马来西亚爱乐乐团的音乐会。这是四年以来的不知道第几次，除了08年Nora在这里的时候，陪我去了一次，之后我都是独行侠。每次在场的观众里面大部分都是洋人，而且年纪都偏大，华人更是老头老太太居多，要么就是父母带着小孩子的，很少有我这个年龄段的人。可能是跟大马的家庭教育有关系吧，除非是学乐器的孩子，否则父母很少有人会熏陶孩子们欣赏古典音乐，原因很简单，父母自己也不懂。

今天上完了第二节韩语课，满脑袋都是啊涩哟，啊尼哟，我觉得我老师肯定认为我蠢到家了，百教不会的，老师自己是聪明又勤奋的人，遇到我这种不太聪明的学生，就只有吐血的份了。我在吐血了近两个小时后，回到家一开电脑就看到喜讯---ATP马来西亚公开赛3月4号决赛的门票团购价仅35块！参赛者有大威，彭帅等等。可惜的是没有万人迷莎娃，如果有的话，我怕我会爱上她。赛事的奖金是220k美金，跟其他普通ATP赛事一样，并没有因为是在这种非发达国家而缩水。看到这么白菜的票价，我真的hold不住了！如果是上海公开赛的话，我相信票价在后面加个0都不止。心动不如行动，我想马上订票，转念一想，问问朋友们看有没有人感兴趣的。于是乎，在面子书上大肆宣扬一番，问了一群人，结果是，我不说你也知道，感兴趣的人数为零。

我觉得我没必要太过于在意做某件事情有没有人陪，只要我自己开心就好，很多事情是可以一个人去做的，也可以很享受的。尽管如此，还是偶尔禁不住感叹，有没有人是跟我志趣相投，臭味相同的呢？如果有的话，我肯定会嫁给他/她，或者缠着他/她一辈子。要找到跟自己有某个相同兴趣的人很容易，可是鬼知道为什么我有那么一大堆兴趣爱好，如果个个都要跟我是交集，那真的是很难。十多年前我就知道，不可能要求一双手又会打篮球又会拉小提琴，因为二者根本就是背道而驰的。
愿我能早日停止幻想，从睡梦中醒来，另一个我，根本不存在，所谓的soulmate，是我想太多了吧......

Legends are leaving us, one by one

It was an ordinary Sunday yesterday and I was going to have my regular activity with friends---our karaoke session. While I was browsing through news before leaving home, something popped out and caught my eyes, Whitney Houston passed away in Beverly Hilton Hotel in LA! There was no reason given and she is only 48 years old.

It took me quite some time to digest what this news really meant. Is it that Whitney who deeply touched our hearts by her all time legend ? I don't think I need any explanation on how famous that song is coz even my mum who does not speak a single word of English is familiar with the rhythm. After I show her the MV, she recognized Whitney immediately although she can't pronounce her name. Shame on somebody who does not know who Whitney Houston is yet still dares to claim that he knows more English songs than me. Honestly speaking I have not encountered any Chinese who knows more English songs than me. As they accompanied me through the years during my childhood and a freak like me seldom listened to any Chinese pop songs before 2001.

The movie is already 20 years old, so is . 20 years just passed through our fingers like nobody's business.Fast forward to 1998, which is from the OST of the movie ,I only got to know it in 2000, from the magazine if I'm not mistaken. It accompanied me through the hardship of my father's leaving and the cruel high school entry exam. While every teacher in my Junior high was telling me that I could not make it for CQ No.1 Middle School, this song gave me enough courage at that crucial point of time while nobody was there for me.The only thing I could rely on is my own faith and belief. I believed in myself and miracles did happen. That was for the first time,I got to know the power of faith.

The falling of another super star, it taught us a few lessons. For women,marriage is like a reborn. What kind of 2nd life are you gonna have is fully dependent on what kind of people you marry. Whitney married an ass and she was deeply in love with the ass which resulted in her tragedy today.I really feel sorry for her, it's a huge loss for us human beings as we really don't have so many wonderful vocals around us.Her death made me feel quite emotional, no less than MJ's. As a person who loves to reminisce, I'd always write some grumbles after some issues struck my heart strings.Whitney, we will always love you.

To all my dear readers,i'm just grumbling,no offence. By the way, happy Valentine's day to all, whether you are single or in a sweet relationship, that does not matter. As long as you love yourself, everyday is a Valentine's day!