从今以后，再无瓜葛

今天是一个特别的日子，不仅仅是IBM马来西亚成立51周年纪念日，也是我在IBM的最后一天。昨天晚上不知道为什么没睡好，早上5点多就醒了，睡得很不踏实，我不知道是兴奋还是高兴还是难过，抑或是掺杂了其他很多情绪在里面，难以言表。 早上起来就做了件非常笨的事，好心干坏事，把我的旗袍熨坏了，我很生气也很心疼，什么心情都没有了，整个人一下子跌到谷底了。这已经是第二次熨坏衣服了，我真的需要一个人帮我熨一辈子衣服，真受不了。去了公司今天很安静，很多人请假，大家早上都去凑热闹，去看公司的庆祝活动，几十个人的群魔乱舞，再加上切蛋糕环节。我看在眼里倒是觉得不痛不痒，可能是因为从今以后我将和IBM分道扬镳吧。 今天我要处理掉我整个收件箱，打算把它整个传给我的“徒弟”，请了IT的朋友帮忙，感谢人家在百忙之中还要来应酬我这个最没有取悦价值的人。午餐之后去还电脑，还身份证等物品，突然之间才觉得，原来我跟IBM真的是两清了。（要等他们发了我最后一个月的工资之后）我还电脑的时候，待那人帮我签字盖章之后，我开玩笑似的跟他说：这辈子，我们再无瓜葛。突然觉得这辈子好像是那么短又那么长，我在一个星期之后就即将去到另一个星球，让这里的一切都成为我的记忆，或许是永久抹不去的，霎那间各种情绪都涌了上来。忧郁如我的，怀着那颗一如既往细如丝的心，怀着对未知的好奇心和憧憬，我宁愿相信，这一切都是命中注定。 在哪一个时刻遇到哪一些人，做了哪一些事，对未来有着哪一些影响。我试图去思考清楚各者之间的关联，却发现有很多事都是“理还乱”的。我早该知道，像我这么“不平庸”的人，注定会经历一些普通人可能永远不会经历的波折。生活中的各种创伤在心上留下了千疮百孔，各种各样的痛，各种各样的刻骨铭心，等到几十年后回忆起来，一切都会是陈年的老酒，醇香浓厚而回味无穷。。。

Count down

The days I spent in Malaysia through the years are uncountable. However, today is the final month count down before I leave this deeply beloved country. The quote sounds like a platitude of an old scholar, but it is true indeed: Life is like a box of chocolate. You never know what you're gonna get. There are so many uncertainties in life and which made it so colourful and worth expecting. I've experienced plenty of unexpected fortune and misfortune. I always try my best to think in a positive way. Everything happens for a reason.God will only give you things that you can handle.What doesn't kill you make you stronger. I shall cherish everyday I have left, embrace everything around me carefully. It will never happen again. I may never come back again. Malaysia, my second home,so much memories I had collected, deeply carved in my heart. I've devoted so much to her even more than my home country. I can say that I was born in China, but I grew up in Malaysia. I've experienced so many "first-time" here. My exposure has enlarged tremendously these years. I've met many good buddies, we may not be able to see each other for a long time, yet our friendship will last forever. Hereby I thank you all for your continuous love and concern which had accompanied me through ups and downs. I love you all and we shall never say goodbye...

岁月不饶人

昨天参加了公司举办的山地越野跑接力赛，整个Finance部门的三百多号人分成了十支队伍，每队派出五名参赛者，那个山头全程大概3公里多，每个人跑的距离不一样，地形也不一样。我们这个队有两男三女，我选了个相对而言不太长也不太陡的第四棒，原本以为可以平安无事，谁知。。。 三点半我们就抵达了目的地，结果我才知道原来我们需要自己走去各自跑的那一棒，意思是，第一棒的人完全不用走，在起点备战就好；第二棒的人要从起点走去第二棒，我这个悲剧的第四棒就走了前三棒，几乎是整个山头都被我走了一圈。头上顶着北纬三度的下午的太阳，真不是开玩笑的，还好我没丢脸到在半路就被晒晕了。 我们刚走到目的地，就听见起点的人在用对讲机通知我们已经开跑了。神奇的是，没过几分钟，就已经有队伍的第三棒已经跑到我们这儿了。我顿时才有了要打仗的感觉，站在哪里翘首期盼我的第三棒，左盼右盼，十个人已经走了5个，我们第三棒的帅哥还没到，那时真是像热锅上的蚂蚁一样。在我身边观战的一个队友说，第三棒是不是被外星人绑架了，我倒是怀疑他半路被猴子掳去当女儿国里的唐三藏了（不开玩笑，山上真的有很多猴子到处跑）。正在我望眼欲穿的时候，帅哥出现了，我抓过接力绳就没命的跑。 认识我的人都知道，我从小跑到大，从4岁开始被老爹逼着每天晨跑，跑了将近有十年，虽然期间偷懒无限，可好歹跑了十年跟没跑的人毕竟是不一样的。原本以为越野跑也就那么回事，应该不在话下，可是才跑出去没多远的一个大下坡就让我改变了主意。人长虽然脚长，但是重心也相对较高，遇到下坡的时候，真的不敢全力跑，感觉整个人会直接栽下去。我当时就在想，如果我圆一点的话，干脆直接滚下山应该会比较快，又想跑快又要刹车控制那感觉真不好受。我的眼镜不止一次的差点跌下来，事后我在想，难道自从我高二开始每天戴眼镜了我就不怎么运动了么？怎么以前就从没觉得戴眼镜有这么麻烦呢？ 前面离我不远处有个印度女生，脚步越迈越慢，我在后面都听到她沉重的呼吸声，我咬牙拼命的追，几千年没拼过命了，觉得这次豁出去了。拼命的结果是我真的追上了她，看到前面还有一个女的，脚步轻健，我心想我估计没戏，而且我也快要到了我的终点，算了吧，追上一个也是超额完成任务了。当我马上要到终点的时候，我听到二线大经理在喊“Shirley加油”，他也跑第五棒，我完全没功夫理他，把东西递给了我的第五棒之后，就已经觉得天旋地转，脚不是我的，就快往地上躺了。强忍着，心里默想着老爹的教诲，刚激烈运动之后不能坐不能躺，我逼着自己强站着，第五棒的据点很郁闷的完全无队友，要找个人来扶我都找不到。过了一会儿，跑第三棒的帅哥已经走到了我们那儿，我当时没觉得怎样，只是觉得很累很想坐很想喝水。后来大家一起走向最后集合点，于是看到了我圆圆的可爱的经理，在跟我招手，陪我坐地上一直问我还ok嘛。她才走了半个山头，都已经要倒下了，我心想要是你去跑的话，不知道会怎样。等大队人马到齐之后，Finance的老大Steve顶着他的圣诞老人肚子出现了，我当时就觉得要是他跑第四棒肯定碉堡了，直接就一个滚西瓜嘛。 接下来的颁奖典礼完全跟我们没关系，然后非要叫那么多人挤在一起拍合照留念，真是够恶心的，又没有广角镜头，以为我们是沙丁鱼啊？拍完照之后我突然觉得胃里面一阵翻滚，我就在路边径自坐下了，路边恰好是水沟，我想都没功夫想，就哇的一声，两年来第一次吐。当时我真觉得心寒，一个假惺惺的运动员，今天会沦落到这个地步。十年像猪一样的生活，直接把我之前十年的运动生涯全部一笔抹杀了。我都对自己做了些什么，我不知道自己现在还有多大的本事，我只觉得岁月真的不饶人。我对身体的所做的一切，它都给了我相应的回答。我不得不好好反思，自己平时的生活状态，身体是怎么变得如此弱不禁风的？于是，我又暗暗发誓（发誓过N次了），回家之后，我要每天锻炼身体，休养生息一段日子吧，我也折腾够了。 今天早上我才领教到什么叫“我的身体不是我的”，躺在床上像烂泥一般动弹不得，全身上下没有一块不疼的地方。这才是真的“就连呼吸都痛”，不知道接下来会痛多久，但是我觉得趁这次把肌肉里的乳酸全部排出去了，就再也没理由偷懒了，不然下次开始运动还得再痛一次。反省啊反省，老骨头，不比当年了...

流连忘返的短暂逃离---Day 2

We didn't have the luxury of sleeping until sun burns our ass although we were on holiday. Set the alarm to 7am as we need to take our buffet breakfast and a rest of at least 30 minutes before going for our 2nd snorkeling trip---Marine Park. Before our departure, we had a bilingual funny briefing by a bunch of guys called Cabbage，Abalone and Grouper, which really aroused my appetite and made me miss the seafood at Sabah. After a 20 minutes boat trip, we arrived at the Marine Park, which is totally what you are thinking about. It's not the conventional aquarium type of park. It's basically a beach which has protected corals underwater and of course, schools of different types of fish. Sharks there are said to be vegetarian and I'm praying that even if they are carnassial,they are Islamic shark and won't touch a piglet like me! However we didn't find any shark, instead, a lot more fragile and tiny fish, clustering around us begging for bread.

I was much severely tanned compared to the day before. After 1 hour plus in the water,I could feel that I've darkened from coffee to coal. And I did not regret, at most it's just to wear a unstrippable bikini for a year or two. As long as nobody else could see or would care, I feel perfectly ok to have a triangle shape sunburn on my butt. At least I don't look like a Peking duck from the exterior. (Pangkor island really roasted me, fully and thoroughly and it took me about 2 years to recover). The underwater world is mesmerizing and mysterious. All kinds of corals and animals or plants, indescribably amazing. I kept on pressing my camera and couldn't really see what I've captured. I bet I'd do a laser operation to settle my eye-sight problem, otherwise it would be a big loss if go snorkeling which doesn't have powered snorkeling mask.

After the 2nd snorkeling we've decided our stamina does not allow us to go for a 3rd one in the afternoon. And we prefer to chill in the resort to take some photos. It was a nice sunny day so we had to risk being tanned again in order to get the photos with perfect exposure. Terry was our photographer and we were the cam whores. Posting whatever we wanted and pretended whatever we wished for. My newly acquired long beach dress looks great with the blue sea. Guess what I was looking at?

My lovely sister looks great in every single shoot and we were trying our best to fuss our photographer. Terry was surprisingly patient and coordinated well with two difficult women.The movie More More Tea makes the air is full of romance, many couples chose this place to take photo as memory. So did we, although we were not couple. But I think we look great, what say you?

Apologies my dear readers, I feel sleepy and need to take a shower and doze off,Day 3 there was nothing much to talk about as we spent most of the day on the bus back to KL. Well, we shall see how...

流连忘返的短暂逃离---第一天

独自在外流浪多年之后，终于盼来了除了母亲大人之外的第一位家人到访--我唯一的表姐在失意之后，选择了马来西亚作为她郁闷的逃离出口。提前就安排好的行程，三天两夜的全包的配套，我们丝毫不需要担心。当飞机降落在瓜拉丁加奴之后，拿着Laguna Redang牌子的酒店人员已经在外等候了，当我报上了名字，在大厅稍等片刻之后，我们便和另外几个人一起上了酒店的面包车。 从Terry那一千多块钱的耳机里传出来的owl city真是再符合我心情不过了，我顿时觉得面包车都好像快乐得在飞，窗外是一片乡下渔村的景象，在我看来都是无比宁静而亲切。不一会儿就到了码头，远处看到很多不算小的渡船，大部分都是属于Laguna酒店的。接待人员令人吃惊的会说中文，后来我才意识到原来去Laguna的游客大部分是国人。不知道是因为《夏日嬷嬷茶》的名气还是包吃包住包玩的配套，或者是对于国人而言不贵的价钱和美丽的海滩，Laguna在国内的口碑不是一般的好。游客中有很多人是去度蜜月的，也不乏夫妻带着孩子出来旅行，更有甚者是全家从爷爷奶奶到孙子孙女一起的，我不禁感叹中国人真有米啊。 船上的温度秉承了马来西亚一贯的原则：只要有顶的地方，就恨不得冷死你。好在我有先见之明，带足了给表姐的和给自己的御寒衣物，不过很明显柔弱的表姐不习惯这样忽冷忽热的温差，喷嚏不断，有生病的嫌疑。Terry童鞋很是贴心，看在他去过3次热浪岛的份上，毫无怨言的当苦力当导游当保镖，嘘寒问暖，尽量满足我们的需要。我也不知道从什么时候开始Terry跟我姐有那么多话说的，貌似这个我认识多年的兄弟把一年的话都积到了这一个小时的航程里。我只顾着看窗外的海水从黄色变成蓝色，偶尔还有一片片的绿色，让我不自然的想起了坦桑蓝海洋之心的颜色，蓝得很深邃很有质感，恨不得把你的目光全都吸进去。我顿时在想，这片海水是有多大的苦衷，能让它蓝得这般忧郁。

当船驶入一片清澈见底的浅海时，我看到了不远处的码头。下船之后被不远处传来的吉他声吸引了，两个黑兄弟穿着艳丽的岛服，用生硬的华语唱着“岛歌”---浪花一朵朵。喜感亲切感一股脑的都涌上来了，在厅里集合，听一个人给我们开会说在岛上的注意事项，之后就坐着一个像小火车一样的拖拉机去酒店的前台check in。最让我难忘的是那杯欢迎饮料，白色的，不知道什么东西，里面有酸梅和一片酸柑，喝起来也是酸甜解渴的，可惜的是每人只有一杯，要续杯的话需要5块钱。我们三个静静的坐在大厅前的椅子上，面朝大海，夏暖花开，姐姐的ipad单曲循环着《爱情爱情》，我当时就在想，这是怎样的一种心痛和失望。不发一语的，坐在他身边陪她哼唱，我希望那个时候的她是真的全身心放松放空什么都不想的，至少眼前的美景会使人暂时忘记现实，给我们一些幻想的空间。

午餐之后去check-in，房间号204，我们的豪华海景房果然没让人失望，拉开窗帘，落地窗外面就是海滩，在椰树和茅草搭成的遮阳伞的陪衬下，给人一种恨不得要马上扑进这幅美丽的画中的感觉。顿时觉得丝毫都不后悔，虽然有点肉疼，但是绝对值得。我跳上阳台的栅栏，坐着发呆，看着眼前的景色，在那一刻，没有任何理由能让这颗不安的心平静不下来。放任自己被这眼前的一切深深吸引，那个时候一切的文字都显得那么苍白无力，美是不需要语言来形容的，瞬间的词穷，我们只能不停的说：好美好美。美得我想引用《莎翁情史》的一句台词，Viola说:this is not life, this is stolen time.

下午是我们第一次出海浮潜，是在open water，听起来有点悬乎，因为没有沙滩没有海岸，就算是浮潜累了，也只能在海里呆着踩水，我姐是旱鸭子，但Terry是高手，就只有指望他了，我那点本事照顾自己是没问题的。船行驶了大概20分钟就到了我们浮潜的目的地，大家都跃跃欲试的想往下跳，穿着救生衣的人群突然给我一种幻觉，类似泰坦尼克号里面沉船之前的景象。我的潜水相机在水下作业的时间不能超过一个小时，于是我就等到最后一个才下水，算好了等会儿上岸的时间，应该刚好一小时。人们在海水中像煮饺子一样，没戴眼镜的我根本看不到我姐跟Terry去了哪儿，也没心思去找他们，相信他俩一定是在一起的，有Terry这个保镖在，我放心。海底有很多珊瑚，还有一群一群贪吃的鱼，来抢食人们手中的面包，可惜的是没看到Nemo，其他的鱼种类不少，但是都没Nemo那么可爱。海底摄影是非常有技术的，我本来已经够瞎了，还要戴一个浮潜面罩，我能看清楚的东西是非常的有限，一边游泳一边拍照的我只能随便按快门。

老骨头没游多久就觉得累了，突然一个没穿救生衣的出现在我面前，一看原来是Terry，他生怕我被鱼群吃了，找了我半天，顿时觉得有点内疚。身为家里的最小的还是有很多优越待遇的，我姐疼我，Terry疼我姐，必然的，Terry也疼我，我当时有一刹那觉得他有点像我姐夫的感觉，以下省略一千字...回到酒店梳洗完毕，肚子已经饿得咕咕叫，恨不得马上就去餐厅狂吃一顿，突然一个东西抓住了我们的目光，酒店大厅外的小阁楼上摆了张放桌子，桌上和地板上满是玫瑰花瓣，桌子上有花和蜡烛，蓝色的格子桌布也是我喜欢的风格。姐姐被这眼前的一切深深的吸引了，捧着单反跑到桌子前后左右好一个拍。同样作为女生，我相信大家都觉得那个女孩子很幸福，不是人人都有那种浪漫细胞的，我没看清楚那个男生的样子，只是觉得这一对坐在鲜花和蜡烛堆里的人很可爱。浪漫与否，很多时候钱不是最大的因素，有钱但没那个心思的大有人在。我看到了姐姐眼里的渴望和羡慕，我倒是看懂了，可是不知道他呢？

晚餐之后我们坐在海边听现场乐队，可惜的是那个女主唱功力差了些，男吉他手的声音还算差强人意。姐姐叫我帮她点首《没那么简单》，我听到她点这样的歌都觉得心酸。静静的坐着，吹海风，喝椰子，听歌，真恨不得让时间停滞，既然有一种生活状态是如此，那我们这么折腾自己又是何必呢？突然想到了富翁和渔夫的故事，渔夫问富翁那么拼命赚钱是为了什么，富翁说是为了能在海边度假吹海风，渔夫说自己现在已经是每天在海边度假吹海风了。这个问题很辨证，很难说清孰是孰非，只是看不同的人选择了不同的生活方式而已，人生只有一辈子，看你愿意浪费多少时间在没意义的事情上。 夜晚陪伴我们的是轻微的海浪声，我们在房间里说笑，什么都不想，让工作，烦恼，生活的疲惫统统见鬼去吧！虽然这只是偷来的时光，我们也要尽情的享受，人生苦短，活在当下吧...

Titanic after 15 years

I haven't stepped into cinema for a long time since I started working. But I swore to myself for thousand times that no matter how I will watch 3D Titanic. It's just a same old story which turns into 3D version in order to grab another bucket of gold in many people's opinion. However I still decided I must go for it, not to reminisce the golden days that I missed long ago, not to recall the very first puberty I had experienced. It's just a "re-education", to see what I've learnt in the past 15 years and how much I have changed in respect of the thoughts about the story.

It was a full-house Friday afternoon, I was in the 3rd row. Luckily it was a spacious hall and the seats located quite far from the screen, otherwise I may have to consult a neck specialist after 3 hours of raising my head. I was the minority who didn't watch with their other part, I totally don't mind as it does not really matter to me. There is no law stating you have to watch a romantic tragedy with your boyfriend anyway.

To be honest, the 3D effect didn't give me much surprise as many scenes actually makes no difference as a 2D version. All the so-called "unhealthy" parts were cut, there was literally nothing for you to see and you absolutely no need to worry someone would reach out his hands and try to touch something.However, that's not what I was looking for. I seldom re-watch a movie that is so famous yet so long. As I had vague memories upon many details, and some of them gave me a shock therefore I had a lot of unexpected feelings. Someone who I used to think he's bad ass now turns out to be a hero, someone died for a reason which I presumed wrongly for 15 years, some lines were so meaningful which I did not pay a slightest attention at that time, due to my very limited English vocabulary when I was only 11. Jack was as handsome as before, Rose was as chubby as in the past. But I do miss the feeling when I first saw Leonardo, his smile had lightened up my world,at that immature age.From Titanic to Inception, we saw a successful transition from a cute boy to a charming man. We've seen how years has carved its mark on his perfect face.I couldn't help sighing that how time flies and I've turned from an innocent girl knowing nothing about this world to today's me, sophisticated and simple, sensible and emotional, chatty and quiet, sunny and gloomy. Full of contradiction and complexity if you don't know me,a funny well-read and knowledgeable idiot if you know me a little, a pure plain piece of paper if you know me well.

Titanic gave me a chance to be touched again,it threw a pebble in my heart and I enjoy watching the ripples to diffuse. It gave me a strike to meditate and to care about something else rather than my tedious never-ending work. I know myself, I know I need to take a break from time to time, I need to breath otherwise I will suffocate in such cultural desert and I believe I'm not the cactus I used to be...

蓝色心情

从小就知道自己是个极度情绪化的人，前一秒还很高兴，后一秒遇到不开心的事可以直接一百八十度大转弯。没太多心机，喜怒哀乐都写在脸上，很少有装B死撑着的时候，也很少有机会遇到非要死撑的情形。

已经好久没有这么持续的blue了，我在办公室多少个小时，我就blue多少个小时，回到家，只要开着公司的电脑，我就继续blue。我向来知道我是典型的theory X，只是不知道严重到什么程度。虽然读书的时候我也不爱读书，可好歹都能咬咬牙坚持，倒也不见得痛苦到面目狰狞。（高中数学咱就别提了，那个是属于外星人的，咱地球人不在讨论之列）可是说到工作，part-time我做过不计其数，full-time的乱七八糟的工作也做过不少，虽然没有遇到会让我非常兴高采烈今天还没下班就期待明天上班的，可至少不会有这种持续的蓝色心情。

有朋友说，怎么我变了一个人？以前那个爱说爱笑的麻雀怎么像被人拔了毛似的？不光她怀念，我自己也怀念。是啊，我承认我是秃了，毛都贡献给资本家了，这年头，不光鸭毛鹅毛能卖钱，麻雀毛人家也照收不误。为了几个花生豆，贴上了时间，自由和快乐，很难说这样的取舍是否值得，但是为了生存，我们不得不做出一些违心的选择。我突然间非常痛恨所谓的flexibility，这意味着你走到哪儿，工作就跟到哪儿，你完全没有自己的空间，工作恨不得跟着你一起上厕所洗澡睡觉。我想要逃，跟自己的私人空间一起逃离到一个没人知道的地方，彻底的放空，卸下精神的枷锁，虽然只是暂时的也好。

小时候都以为自己能拯救世界，长大了才发现原来全世界都拯救不了自己。幸好，当太阳被乌云遮住的时候，还有你，为我点着一支蜡烛，微微的光虽然照不亮整个世界，但是足以温暖我心中那一片小小的未被侵蚀的地方。你让蓝色的心情不再蓝得那么单调沉闷，至少也要像坦桑蓝一样，散发着蓝中透紫的神秘色彩。我要很真诚地跟你说声谢谢，世上没有任何人是理所应当地为别人付出的，背后都有一个缘由，而我，当然知道这个缘由，一切尽在不言中吧...