On the first day of my holiday to KK, I got this terrible news that Nora was admitted into hospital coz they found a lump in her colon. She told me peacefully that she's gonna go for the operation and wouldn't be able to call me or chat with me for a while. Initially I didn't know the severity of the case, I had no idea that she needed to cut off 5 inches of her colon and had more than 10 stitches on her belly! It was hurtful for me, really, I have never thought of that she might come across the day that she really needs me beside her. I hate myself for not being able to fight along with her. I feel sorry, indeed, for her and for myself, such a pathetic and useless daughter!
After more than 2 week's suffering, she finally managed to be discharged. Another problem emerged: We need somebody to cook for her and grandparents and we have nobody! A voice inside my heart was blaming me: You trashy loser! Your family need you, where are you? What can you do? I can neither help financially nor physically. All I can do is those little "sweet-talks" to sooth her nerves. I asked her whether she wants me to skip 2 months class and take care of this issue. She refused immediately, saying my study is more important than anything. It is? I don't think so. She is the most important in my life. I'm nobody, I can go nowhere without her. I had promised her that I would bring her along in my drifting future. She smiled and said "Ya, you have plenty of chances to take care of me in the future which you cannot run away, but not now." Plenty of chances? I said to myself, only if I'm lucky enough. I didn't even have a chance to tell my dad that I loved him...
I'm devoured in deep sorrow. Everyday's repetitive work plus I got to deal with some annoying animal plus my own studies plus I need to take care of my daily life. It's really full of crap and which anaesthetised me from my stupid wild thoughts. A friend told me that I'm the most intelligent and independent girl he's ever seen in his life. I had a forced smile, yes, I mean it's forced. Everything I am is because I'm forced to be so. I don't want to be so tough and unruly. I'm not born a wild child. I don't want to be so if I ever have a second chance, I may choose another path.
Life is cruel, to everybody, although sometimes it's not fair. Most of time, all of us have to go through the hardship, which makes us stronger and smarter. Having heard lots of heart-breaking stories recently, I got a conclusion, which may sounds irresponsible and silly, but I deeply believe it might be the truth since 2012 is just around the corner. Life is short, enjoy to the maximum before it's too late. No matter what is your choice, as long as you don't regret. Nothing is perfect, neither a relationship nor a marriage. Truth hurts...so hurt...
Melancholy, the never changing theme of life...
